Sofie's Blessing

Today we celebrated the end to our adoption journey and the beginning of our newest parenting journey. My sisters helped throw Sofie a Welcome Home party! Around 40-50 of our closest family and friends were able to join us. It meant so much to us that everyone made such an effort to come out and meet Sofie. Sofie did really well with all the people there. She started getting fussy about 2 hours in but calmed right down when I took her inside for a break.

During the party we took a little time to incorporate Sofie's Blessing in. If you were reading my old blog when Livi was a baby you'll already know what this is. If not, I'll recap for you....

We have decided to do Blessings for our children instead of the typical Evangelical child dedications or the Orthodox baptisms. For Jon and I, being raised Evangelical, we both never really liked dedications. I couldn't wrap my mind around how I could dedicate a child to God who was already so completely and obviously of God and from God already. It didn't sit well with me. I also don't love the idea of having a dedication in a large church setting with people there who are not in your close community. In Evangelical dedication services that I've been too, they always have a part where the church affirms they will support the parents and hold them accountable to rear their child in a Godly manner. I'm sorry, that is just opening up a whole can of worms that I have issues with. Most of the church goers, in my experience, are not going to actually support the parents, so why vow to? If anyone who is not in my close community comes and tells me I am not raising my kids right or in accordance with their ideas of Godly rearing, there is going to be some very pointed and harsh words spoken. It is not their place. As for a baptism, this was more my issue. I just can't get totally on board with the theology behind an infant baptism, though I have no problem with other people choosing this.

A Blessing, for us, is a much better choice. We invite our friends and family, who we know are in our community who do and will support us. Because we have not really had any special bond with our church pastors, we have our closest friends do the blessings. This is also in part because when we did the Blessing for Livi as a baby, Jon's dad had just died and he would have done it for us. So, we needed our close friends involved to help fill that void. We chose to have the blessings in three parts. Blessing the Child, Blessing the Parents, and the Pastoral Blessing for the whole family. It is such a special and unique experience for us that seems to be catching on with our friends too!

Geoff was Jon's room mate all through college, best men at each others weddings, and have remained 'hetero-life mates'. He is also our most "pastoral/religious" friend so he was the obvious choice for the Pastoral Blessing. He opened up the ceremony and closed it with some words of affirmation and a prayer.

Brent was also one of Jon's room mates in college and we have remained good friends through out the years. Jon and Brent both met their wives in their college years and Mary and I have become good friends too! They are so good to us and help push us out of our comfort zones, which Jon and I need every once in a while. We asked them to do the Blessing for the Child. Mary made a beautiful quilt for Sofie as part of the blessing that will be treasured. Brent also read a poem to go with it.

Patchwork Quilt

This family is like a patchwork quilt

With kindness gently sewn

Each piece is an original

With beauty of its own

With threads of warmth and happiness

It's tightly stitched together

To last in love throughout the years

This family is forever.

- Unknown Author

Ben was another roommate of Jon's in college and the same as Brent, met his wife in his college years. All 6 of us have remained quite close through these last 10 years. Ben and Danielle became parents just a few months before we did, both times! So, they were the obvious choice to do the Blessing for the Parents :) Ben gave some words of wisdom and Danielle read a poem as well as gave some rocks with significant words of blessing written on them. The words were Space, Rest, Breathe, Release, and Gentleness. I've needed each of these things in the past few weeks and I'm sure in the coming years!

The Way

It is in spaciousness

That we breathe

Find stillness to rest in

Allowing what is

To be

Letting go of expectations

And embracing gentleness

As the way to truly heal

Opening and softening

We become

This is how we unlearn our way back to God.

- Lisa A McCrohan

All in all it was a fun party! My sister made a super amazing ladybug cake. She's been taking some cake decorating lessons and getting really good at it! The weather was amazing and we had the kid's pool out. I don't know what we would have done if it had rained. We felt so blessed by all the love and support we received from people. We truly are one lucky family. My only regret was that I didn't get to talk with everyone. I said goodbye to some people before I said hello to them. It is very different visiting when I have to attend to two little ones who need my constant attention and get in to everything!

Life is definitely full right now. Exciting, challenging, adventurous, difficult, joyful, fun, and frustrating all wrapped up together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my life, my husband, my girls, my family, and my friends :)

Livi got a few gifts at the Blessing too. 

This apron was from her Uncle Tony and Aunt Lisa. 

They searched high and low for this gift and it was much appreciated by Livi!

Thoughts on

I went to church twice on Easter. Once in the morning to my mom's Community Mennonite Evangelical church and later in the evening to our Emergent Post-Evangelical church. They were two VERY different experiences.

In the morning service they started with the typical call to worship song, welcome, regular worship, and message, which of course ends with an application to your life. I don't think it is to much of a secret that I have some issues with the manipulation that is often found in a typical worship service but I'll leave that one alone. The message is what I was focused on. I must admit that I was greatly lost during the the bulk of the message, mainly because the pastor's preaching style is not my cup of tea, but the application part was what really threw me for a loop. It was basically a call to ask what you might have to give up in order to follow Christ. He had a whole list of things you might have to choose between like Christ or certain friends; Christ or certain family members; Christ or a job promotion; etc...  Personally, I found this so damaging for the hundreds of people there, a lot of whom were probably guests. Why on earth are churches teaching that if you are a "good Christian" (whatever that is) means you have to lose friends and family? Doesn't it make sense that if you are doing it right you won't be alienating anyone?... except for maybe those people who think they are "good Christians" and believe they are "called" to make people feel alienated because of their "sin". Didn't Jesus alienate himself from only the pharisees?

The other thing that struck me in the morning service was the child dedication. Personally, I'm not a fan of these. We do blessings for us as parents, our child and our family as a unit. It never quite made sense to me how we can dedicate a child to God who is so obviously a gift from Him anyway. Each to their own though. What got to me was the congregations involvement. Their were five different families dedicating their children before the church. At the end the congregation, who consisted of a lot of guests like me, were asked to stand and affirm that we would support these families in raising their children to be followers of Christ. Aside from not going to church very often, aside from not knowing all but one of the family, the family I did know I don't think should be allowed to procreate! (I never said I was a "good Christian"). I'm not going to essentially vow to support them in raising their child! I was super uncomfortable being asked to affirm them. Isn't that something that is reserved for the families personal community of family and friends? Maybe that community includes everyone in the church for some people. It definitely does not include all the guests their on an Easter Sunday and the family and friends of four other families.

Later on that day we went to Nexus, our home church, and had a very different experience. The bulk of the message was about whether there is Hell or not. Not your typical Easter Sunday service. A part of the service that really touched me was when Chris Janzen, (Yes, the Chris Janzen is now part of Nexus... my mom was pretty surprised) did a cover of a Ron Sexsmith song, God Loves Everyone. It was beautiful, challenging and so true. I think it speaks for itself. Here are the lyrics...

God Loves Everyone

God loves everyone

Like a mother loves her son

No strings at all

Unconditional

Never one to judge

Would never hold a grudge

'Bout what's been done

God loves everyone

There are no gates in heaven

Everyone gets in

Queer or straight

Souls of every faith

Hell is in our minds

Hell is in this life

But when it's gone

God takes everyone

Its love is like a womb

It's like the air from room to room

It surrounds us all

The living and the dead

May we never lose the thread

That bound us all

The killer in his cell

The atheist as well

The pure of heart

And the wild at heart

Are all worthy of its grace

It's written in the face

Of everyone

God loves everyone

There's no need to be saved

No need to be afraid

Cause when it's done

God takes everyone

God loves everyone

Easter 2011

Good Friday marked the end of my lent. My family celebrated Easter then because it was the only day our schedules worked together. I was not about to pass up my Easter celebration just because it came two days early.

Lent held successes and failures for me. I doubt that is the right word to explain it but I can't think of anything else right now. I concentrated a lot on the self-denial part. I had given up all meat, except for seafood, and sugary foods. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. I would get cravings every once in a while, more in the later weeks, but it was very manageable. The thing that actually got me through it was thinking of Sofie. She doesn't have proper nutrition, why should I get to eat meat and sweets?

A gross fact that kind of makes me want to stay off meat and sweets is that my body actually had to detox. I had the worst gas and bm's of my life. Since having my first taste of paska (Easter bread) with my family's incredible cream cheese spread earlier today, which are both very sugary, and maybe an once of ham with our dinner, the same symptoms have begun! So wrong! What am I/we putting in to my body? I'm definitely not ready to swear of meat or sugar but it definitely will be making me think more and cut back a lot!

The alms giving part of Lent also had a lot of progress for me. I finished some much needed paperwork for Chosen Children and have officially begun working with the designer to start the website. It will be a long process writing all the content but we are slowly progressing now!

I did not finish my Henri Nowen book. I really wanted to and still intend to in the future, but I did not get past the first chapter. Much to my husband and mother's horror, I am not a reader and do not generally enjoy it very much. I also didn't get very far with the penitence part. I didn't have big hopes for this portion of Lent. I'm not ready to reconcile with the people in my life that come to mind here. Honestly, I'm not sure if reconciliation is an option on either side so I don't know where to go with this part of Lent.

Good Friday was my baking day. I made a double batches of dinner crepe batter, dessert crepe batter and paska, plus a triple batch of cream cheese paska spread... a favorite for everyone :) My side of the family decorated eggs and had a delicious dinner of crepes. Ham, broccoli and cheese crepes for dinner, fruit crepes and whip cream for dessert. Livi had a horrible fever all day, up to 101! She was my little angel though and was healthy by the next morning. Even with a fever she had a fun little Easter basket hunt and her Marmie and Oma gave her some really cute books to read and trace in. Her writing is really taking off!

 Concentrating on getting the color just right. 

 Fun times had by all!

 Putting the stickers on. She was really in to it. 

 The finished products! Marmee's was the most creative. 

She thought out of the box to make her flue face and didn't follow the pattern!

Books from Marmee and Oma :)

 Found her basket! 

By the way, how do you tell a 2 year old about Easter? I haven't really introduced the idea of death to her yet. I like letting my daughter believe in the Easter bunny, tooth fairy and Santa Clause. I think it adds to the wonder and magic of childhood. I don't know how to meld the Easter bunny with Jesus' resurrection though. Basically, I ended up telling her the Easter Bunny brings chocolate because Jesus is alive. I know it doesn't quite cut it. We'll need to figure this out before next year :) When do you tell a kid about death too?

Saturday, Jon and I went to a cousins wedding. Livi went for a sleepover to her Gramma's. She doesn't see her very often and Livi was SO EXCITED to go for a sleepover. We even bought her a little Tinkerbell suitcase of her own. She was outgrowing the diaper bag we had been using. Sunday we picked Livi up and had breakfast at Denny's with Jon's mom. Livi and I then joined my mom at her church. My views on that will be on another post. We got a long nap in the afternoon and even made it out to our own church!

On her way to Gramma's house! 

Is it me or does she look way to grown up here?

Monday my immune system gave in to the flu that Livi fought off. Darn kids and their germs! I had planned to clean and make a yummy supper but I ended up sleeping and lazing about. Some out of town friends stopped in for a few minutes on their way home from a family Easter weekend. It was a nice relief from my self pity.

Anyway, Happy Easter!

Our Sofie

Yesterday we got the full files for the two girls that we were initially proposed. In case you are a little confused as to what has happened lately this is it in a nut shell...

-We got two preliminary files, without pictures, that we were told we had to choose from in November.
-We chose our Sofie based on the fact that one girl had a lot more information than the other.  (Choosing one child over the other seemed like an impossible task. Since we had tons of info on the one girl and no concerns, but still had some questions about the little information we got for the other girl, we chose the girl who came with lots of information.)
-Just before Christmas we got sent a picture of Sofie and announced her in our Christmas cards!
-Within a few day our suspicions were confirmed that the picture we received was not of the girl we had originally chosen. We found out the reason for this was that the Bulgarian MOJ wanted us to review the full files of both girl before they were going to let us commit to either of them.  (We were confused. We had already chosen, but then started to fall in love with the picture of a different girl. We had suspicions that the picture we got may not be the right one so I was guarded with looking at it. We wanted to believe it was her though... and even if she wasn't our original choice, she might be our daughter.)
-Yesterday we received both full files and was able to make a final decision.

Both girls were perfect and we want to be able to adopt both of them. It's not allowed by BC adoption rules and would not be the right thing for our family at this time any way. So we had to make an impossible decision. There was no criteria we had for our daughter, other than we wanted to adopt a little girl around Livi's age with Down Syndrome. Both girls were perfect and would flourish in a family environment.

After a surprisingly short conversation between Jon and I, discussing all the knowns, unknowns, and inconsistencies in the files, Jon "logically" decided and I "emotionally" felt that sticking with our original choice was the right thing to do and she was the right child for us. Then we really looked at her picture. Original Sofie is DEFINITELY our Sofie. She has dark brown hair and eyes and even looks like Livi! She is perfect and I can not wait to hold her in my arms. She is so beautiful. Today I was finally allowed to send off our official request to adopt her.

So, if you got our Christmas card the picture is not our Sofie. I have deleted all the pictures of the other girl. I had to, for my own sanity. I had hoped not to see a picture of the girl we couldn't bring home, but it didn't work out that way. Her face is now burned in to my mind. Plus, they are in the same orphanage! Am I going to be able to go and give her a hug? Or will I feel too guilty to even see her?  I might not even be given the opportunity to see any of the other children at the orphanage. This process is really teaching me how to trust that God has a plan for our family... even though I'm not completely convinced that is how He works. Hmmm... I feel my theology changing again!

We are getting updated pictures and video next week! I can't wait to see our daughter playing, exploring and hopefully smiling! I feel like I can really start the attachment process too. We aren't exactly sure what the timeline is from here. We should have her home by the summer time but hopefully sooner. It depends on how fast the two governments work and available court dates. Pray that it is sooner than later. I feel like our family is missing some one. We need her home.

If you want some of the updated pictures send me an email and I might secretly be able to show you... I want to show her off but can't put her on any public forums :)

What If...

These questions have caused quite a stir on my Facebook status so I thought I'd post some of them here too, just to maybe get people to think a little bit. I'll eventually get a post done about what my theology is around it all but for now I'll just let you ponder these....

What if the church needed to change?

What if the parables of Jesus were speaking against religion?

What if Christianity was about the end of religion and score keeping and judging and shaming?

What if Christianity was not about morality at all?

What if instead of trying to make bad people good it was trying to reveal that good people are the same as bad people?

What if God was never disappointed in us?

What if the world wasn't going to hell?

What if salvation included people outside of Christianity?

What if the church accepted everyone?

What if the church didn't kick people out?

What if culture was to be embraced rather than avoided?

What if how people treated people was more important than what we believed?

Circle of Life

I love my grandparents. I don't think everyone can say that, either because they have passed away or they have not taken the time to really get to know them. I have been blessed to have been raised with a very close relationship with both my Grandma and Grandpa. Because my mother was on her own she relied heavily on her parents. They have always been there for her and for us. Although my Grandfather has taken a bit more of an old school approach to how he grandparents, he has been the only constant male figure in my life. He actually walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I am thankful for the role that he has played in my life. He has showed me how to be generous, forgiving, and strong... I think some of my stubbornness comes from him too though!

My Grandmother is one of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out. She is compassionate, authentic, humble, forgiving, hilarious (in a cute, naive, grandma-talking-about-sex kind of way), very loving and caring. Through all my struggles with religion and a relationship with God, I knew God was real, in part, because of her relationship with Him. When she prays, God listens. I'm not sure that I typically believe in a theology where God "answers" prayers. I think it can too easily lead to a belief that "good" Christians get a "yes" answer and "bad" Christians who don't pray hard enough get "no" answers. But, Grandma gets results every time and I'm not exaggerating.

I have been noticing for some time that they are getting older. Obviously, as time passes this happens but with recent events I am now coming to the realization that they may not be with us much longer. My Grandpa's health, especially, is deteriorating quicker than I was ready for. I took him to an appointment today and ended up breaking down and crying as I was driving away. It is hard to see such a strong, proud man lose his independence. I think it is harder for him to go threw the process though. My grandma worries about him so much too and her worry is starting to take a toll on her own health. It is fortunate that I live within about 8 blocks away from them. I've been able to help out with driving them to appointments, going on errands for them and helping to get their groceries. It is hard for them to ask for help though. They don't call me as often as they could. I try to stop in a few times a week and make sure I am available for them both. It is an honor I never really understood, until now, to be able to help care for two people that have cared for and helped raise me.

 I love that they have the opportunity to know their great-granddaughter. Grandma's face, literally, lights up at the mere mention of Livi. I don't know if Livi will remember them very well but I hope she knows what an impact they have had and continue to have on my life.

Four generations of Schmidt women. I am so blessed to be a part of this family.

Back to Church?

I went to church tonight for the first time in nearly a year, aside from Easter and Christmas services. I did not make a conscious decision to stop going to church. It was kind of a gradual thing. We had so many major stresses happen in a short amount of time last year that church just seemed to be one more thing we "had" to do. The church we attend was having it's own share of issues too. We gave ourselves permission to take a hiatus for a while. We needed to, for our own mental health. Our energy level and lives were already being run so thin that being part of another community, particularly another broken one, was far to wearing on us.

I struggled with this decision throughout the year, but still had little energy or desire to return. I was raised that if you claimed to be a Christian you must be an active part of a church community. I still believe this. I think an important part of Christianity is the Church Community... and all the good, bad, and the ugly that goes along with that community. As much as many church goers would not like to believe there is a lot of bad and ugly parts of the Church. With me consciously deciding to stop attending, I wondered if I still had a right to call myself a Christian. Did I believe that I was still a Christian? I still believed in a God or Higher Power... but I wasn't sure where I stood on the whole religion thing. The Church, Christianity, is religion. It is all the history, organization, miss-teachings, power struggles, abuse, break-off sects, varying theologies and practices, as well as all the beauty, love, grace and mysticism that we know to be true. It is not God. I think it is a little ridiculous to be a part of a church community and claim to not be religious. It is common to hear Evangelical Christians, in particular, denounce religion and pronounce only a relationship with Jesus. Hmmm... I'm opening up a whole can of worms here. I think I'll leave that alone. If you want to question or challenge me, message me and maybe I'll answer in another post.

Anyway, one of the biggest things pulling me back to church is wanting Livi to grow up feeling safe and welcome in a church community. Now, that is kind of an absurd idea... safe and welcome at church? How many people experience that? I sure didn't! I still hold on to an ideal of church though. I want Livi to grow up with a strong connection to God, however that may look for her. I want her to know the Bible stories, be challenged in her understanding of them and have the morals and ideas that they portray be uniquely personified through her. I want her to view worship as an authentic, pure display of someones experience, whatever medium that may take, and not as entertainment. I want her to experience the practical perks of being part of a church community too. I want her to give food in times of overwhelming joy or grief and receive that practical necessity when she needs it as well. I want her to be in a community where she is not judged, given the freedom to question theology and disagree with those in her community but still respect them and be respected in return. I want her to experience a community of inclusion, with members from all races, age groups, abilities, sexual preferences, social and economical statuses and varying degrees of brokenness. I want her to feel free to be uniquely authentic. I don't want her to feel guilty for missing a few or a lot of Sunday's in a row, for swearing, masturbating, questioning, befriending a homosexual, or any of those other Church taboos. Wow, that seems like a lot to ask for.

Maybe I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I do believe that by participating in a church community it is important to accept and learn from the failures that will inevitably happen but continue to strive for an ideal. Complaining about the shortfalls of your church community but not doing anything to try and help the situation is absurd. I know I have a lot of critiques on Christianity but I also think I have a lot to offer a community. No church is going to be perfect. No Christian tradition has it right.

With all this rambling I'm not sure I'm ready to commit and start participating in a church community again but I'm coming to that place again. Slowly. I am/have been a part of a church that has its own share of problems and baggage but it also offers the most grace based, judgement free theology that I have ever heard and that is SO refreshing. The community at Nexus, "my" church, is lacking but they are making strives to do something about that, while being authentic and challenging. This is a new era for the little church and I think I'd really like to be a part of it.