Frustration

It's been a while since I posted... I actually did write one but decided I probably shouldn't publish it :) I had been drinking at the time I wrote it, so you understand. There has been a whole lot of frustration going on since my last post. Nothing terrible... just so frustrating!

Adoption:
Still no word on a court date. We were told we should hear by mid month. When that came and went I sent another email to our agency asking what's up. I'm sure they are getting very annoyed with me. They gave me a detailed response basically saying that it is a paper intensive process and we should hear when court is any day now but not to expect the date to be before mid June! FUCK! We were really hoping to have her in our arms in June. After court there could still be a 6-8 week wait before we can go get her. This whole process is very discouraging. Don't they know how important it is to get Sofie out of there?! Don't they know how gravely malnourished, neglected and skinny she is? I have tons of love and protein just waiting to fatten her up over here! Give her to me! I'm sure every mom who is adopting feels this way. I knew going in to this it would be a difficult, uncertain path but that doesn't make it any easier to handle right now.

Car:
We are also needing to get a new car. Our Echo has served us well but we are nearing 300,000 kms on it and since it is over 10 years old our gas bills seem to be increasing... more than the normal increase we have been having. Buying a new car is such a difficult decision right now. We'd like to be a one car family for as long as possible but don't know if we can manage that with Jon needing it a lot for work and me possibly needing it to take Sofie to different therapies or doctor appointments. We have a very limited budget and are already using borrowed money to pay for the adoption so trying to decide how much money to spend on a replacement family car that will eventually solely be Jon's work car, while not knowing when we will need a second car seems like an impossible task. I hate being a grown up some times.

Family:
Then there is some family stuff that has been irking me too. I used to think that only families with rough back grounds had "stuff" but being a part of Jon's life, who was raised as a pastor's kid with both parents still together, my eyes have been widely opened :) I now know each family has their share of issues. I'm just so tired of it all. Is there no hope of moving past the destructive structures our family's set out for us? Are my children doomed to have to deal with the same generational crap their parents, aunts and uncles, grand parents and great grandparents have had to deal with.

Believe me, I am trying my damnedest to shield my kids from the things that I have had to endure and break any of the cycles that still persist, but Livi has already been exposed to some of it. She has seen her aunt and her uncle cut themselves off from the family for some periods of time, just as our aunts and uncles did to each other (on Jim's side of the family... Jim is my father and I use the term loosely). She has felt the tension that it stirs up in me and witnessed all my siblings and I being reactionary as only a true (insert my maiden name here) can be. Don't get me wrong. Livi has not even come close to witnessing the horrors I did or been victim to anything. It just seems so inevitable sometimes. My siblings and I, who have had minimal contact with Jim's side of the family, have repeated many of the exact same behaviors and made similar choices in certain situations. It is like it is in our DNA or brain patterns.

Most people know, for very good reasons, that I have no contact with Jim. My aunt, his sister, also knows this. When I first said yes to adding her on facebook and telling her my last name there were some very clear boundaries set out. The primary boundary of the utmost importance was that she not relay any information about us to Jim. My mom advocated for her because she was the only one from that family to have gone to counseling and worked on her own family issues, as well as the only one who ever acknowledged what Jim did to us.

Last week I received a joint email to Jim, a lot of his siblings, and a few of his nieces and nephews. It was calling for everyone to forgive, forget and reconnect in honor of her mother, my grandmother, who's dying wish was that everyone get along... even though she was a lot of the problem in that family. In the emails address bar I could see Jim's name and email address. I assumed he could see mine. Does he now know my last name? I didn't freak out. I knew having contact with her posed some element of a risk and it was probably an accident, since I've had her on my facebook for a few years now and never had an issue. I emailed her back with a pointed reminder of the importance of separation from Jim. After a few exchanges of pleasant emailing back and forth, sharing some of my history and learning a bit of hers she wrote that Jim seemed to know a lot about me, but specifically said it was not her who was telling him. In the next email she confessed to telling him about Sofie! Not just telling him that we were adopting, but where she was from, her age, and about her having DS! Really?!

This may sound trivial since I have a blog that used to be public, but he didn't know my name so it didn't seem to be a big worry. (The aunt and anyone on that side of the family doesn't have access to this blog now that it is private.) Although fear does play a role in why my boundaries with regards to Jim are so set, it does not govern my life. I know what he is capable of and I know what I have to do to protect myself and my children from him. I'm not sure how this new family drama is going to play out or how it is going to affect my life (I think Jim is flagged at the border, so unless he jumps into Canada illegally we have nothing to worry about) but this is how it usually goes when you are dealing with a blood relative of Jim's. Argh!

Feeling Run-Down

I'm not exactly sure what it is... Maybe it's winter blues, PMS, fighting a cold, too busy, not enough sleep, low on iron. I have been eating less meat lately and am perpetually on the lower end of the iron scale. Maybe it's all of it, or none of it. I'm just feeling run down, emotionally and physically. I'm not sick, just really tired. Emotionally I'm feeling overwhelmed, unmotivated and out of control.

I've been really hard on myself too, which isn't helping my mood. I hate feeling like this. I'm being critical of everything... the cleanliness of the house, odd jobs not yet done, stupid things I've said or even thought, my poor husband (who is generally pretty wonderful at handling mood swings), various tasks I should be completing but too overwhelmed and critical of my efforts to even attempt.

I think another part of my mood is discouragement for not having Sofie home. Each stage is taking so much longer than we had expected. I'm scarred this last part will take longer too. It is such a weird feeling to know you have child waiting for you in another country... not just an idea of a child, but a real child with a name and a birthday. Sometimes my arms almost, literally hurt to be holding Sofie in my arms. I cuddle Livi extra on days like that.

Scatter Brained

I think this is going to be a bit of a scattered post...

Livi is doing well... sometimes a little too well for her own good! She is such a character these days and knows just how to make us laugh even when we are trying to be serious. It is not good for our parenting skills! For example: We told her to lay down in bed... so she lay down, on top of her blankets, upside down, tummy down. We told her to turn around... so she flipped on to her back. This repeated through her turning sideways on the bed too. Then it was time for kisses... so she stuck her tongue out for us to kiss! When we told her to put her tongue in back in she pulled it all back in but the tip and curled it! I lost it then and couldn't keep a straight face. She wasn't being a complete brat. She was giggling the entire time... and by the end she had me and Jon rolling over too!

 

Goofball.

 

On our only snow day I took Livi out on a "poor man's sled" (a storage lid and an old belt!)

So much fun!

For the past four months we've had Livi in gymnastics and it is pretty much the best thing ever for her! She LOVES it! She has become less clumsy... because lets face it, her fine motor skills where not her strongest point. When Jon was off for Christmas break he got to come and see her in all her glory! She was quite excited to show off her moves to Daddy...

 Showing off her balancing skills.

 On the balance beam all by herself!

 Somersault over the bar!

When the Spring Leisure Guide came out and I found a dance studio that offered ballet classes to 2 year olds! I asked Livi if she would like to go and she literally started doing flips! The day before the class, Livi told every person who looked at her in the grocery store that she was going to ballet. That night she didn't sleep until 10:30pm! She was way to excited! It was quite cute actually. When she finally got to her first class I think she was a little over stimulated with the expectation. She did really good though! It was perfectly adorable.

 

They were being butterflies!

She looks much to old in this picture.

 

Ring around the Rosie :)

Jon is of course very busy at work. A little too busy for my liking some times... but he loves his job. I think there is still some balancing that we need to work out between work and family time but things are falling in to place. He has quite a high stress job and with all the extra cut backs that he has to implement this year (government has to pay for the Olympics some how!) he has been stretched quite thin.

He still makes time to read Livi a bed time story almost every night he is home. 

Because of the cut backs, I am now officially un-employed. I was working for Communitas in a group home. I only worked one day a week or so. We were not depending on the money but it did get banked in to our adoption fund. It was more a way for me to get out of the house. Now it is a joke around the house that Jon got me fired :) It is a weird feeling to officially be a stay-at-home mom, not on maternity leave, just at home. That is now my job. It has changed my outlook on what I do with my day, which is a good thing. The house is cleaner and I've been putting more effort in to meal planning... which I have never been good at. I knew this was coming, it was not a surprise or unwanted, it is just a weird feeling to officially be a stay-at-home mom. Don't get me wrong, it is one of the best jobs on earth... I just never thought it would be me.

Letting Livi paint my nails.

I don't think it is much of a secret that I am a planner. I think about things exhaustively and make decisions well in advance. I take comfort in having things organized and planned out well. I generally have a back-up plan or two as well, in case things don't go according to my original plan. I consider it a positive trait... mostly :) I get things done, am always prepared, and am generally pretty efficient because of the planning. It becomes a bit of a detriment when I am agonizing over something I have no control over or is still very uncertain. Take this case in point...

We have no idea how much longer it will take to bring Sofie home. We have been told anywhere from 3-6 months. Jon and I decided to get a second car when Sofie is home so that I can take her to different doctor appointments and therapies. The question is what kind of car? Basically we are wanting to get either a compact SUV or a mini-van. A compact SUV would be totally adequate for our family of four. If everything goes wonderfully with the adoption, though, a third child may be in our near-ish future. We might as well save the energy and extra money and just get a mini-van. But what if we don't have a third child? Then there is no need for a mini-van. This feels like a huge decision! I know that I'm getting a little ahead of myself and I'm a little crazy. Either way, we'll make it work.

We are still waiting for video of Sofie. It is taking forever. The Bulgarian MOJ apparently takes a long time to grant permissions for things. I am dying to have her home. Pray that we get her home really, really soon! I feel so helpless.

Waiting

I'm still waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I want to bring my daughter home. I was so sure that everything was going so smoothly up until now. Doubt is starting to creep in. I hate it. I'm getting emotional whenever I think about the adoption... that might also be due to the fact that Livi is teething and I was sick. I have to catch up on the sleep that I've been missing. Livi has been waking up at least 3 times a night due to her sore molars! Not normal for her and I am missing my sleep :(

So, where are we with the adoption? Well, I emailed my agency last week to check up on things. I'm sure they are thoroughly annoyed with my incessant questions. They told me that our Dossier is "actively being translated". Since it has been two and a half months since we submitted our Dossier to our agency and we were told that this stage of the process takes 2-3 months, I'm assuming/hoping that means it is being translated in Bulgaria. Once we are translated and accepted to adopt by the Bulgarian Ministry of Justice we officially begin waiting... or hopefully choosing.

I'm having doubts about how long the right referral is going to take though. Like I said in a previous post, they already have our homestudy and we haven't received a referral, even though I know there are waiting little girls who would fit in to our family. I've also received second hand information that the two girls we were starting to consider are being adopted. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them and I hope they have incredible lives... I'm just very eager to meet our daughter.

I think the other trigger to my over emotional state is the that if we hadn't decided to adopt, we would have started trying to get pregnant around now. I'm not feeling the urge to get knocked up at all. I'm just feeling so ready to get on with this adoption! There are so many things in this adoption that are completely out of my control! I don't do well with being out of control :)

The other disheartening thing with the adoption right now is that we haven't heard from the citizenship office. There is two parts to the citizenship process. I've sent in the Part 1 application in and got a response that it would take 8 weeks for a response... That was almost 17 weeks ago. I haven't followed up because I've heard that this office is notorious for this. I will be following up this week though.

The one good adoption news I have is that the connecting agency from Bulgaria is here in Vancouver next week for a conference. Monday night I am going to a question and answer night all about adopting from Bulgaria! I hope this trip of theirs is the other reason our Dossier acceptance is taking so long.

Please pray, or do whatever you do, to help bring our child to us. I'm tired of waiting.

Sick and Whining

I'm looking at a pretty busy week and I'm sick. Why do you always get sick at the worst times? My daughter is at the tale end of her cold too... she started it all. Jon is continuing to ward it off with a strict regiment of whiskey. It works. I forgot to take some at the onset and got sick. Jon burned those germs up with the kick of hard liquor and remains healthy. It is only a matter of time before we start giving it to Livi to keep her healthy! (Maybe I shouldn't have written that down :P)

On top of Livi being at the end of her cold, she is a little off too. My mom took her to church this morning and Livi wouldn't stay in the nursery with out her. Then when Jon took her to church tonight (I stayed home sick) she cried again, wouldn't play with the toys and ignored the other kids. This is very unlike her. She usually jumps into the nursery... or anything... without a second look back at Mom or Dad. I'm hoping this is just a short little phase because I am sick. I'm supposed to work the next three days in a row and am hoping she is okay with staying with Gramma, Marmee and Daddy. I feel so guilty leaving her when she is like this. It is so rare that I feel I should cater to it... like she needs a little extra Mommy time right now for some reason that I can't figure out. Maybe she is teething? How many molars are kids supposed to get?

Okay, this is a really boring post. I'll understand if you didn't read this far. I'm sick. I'm complaining. I'm not looking forward to working three days in a row.

2 Years

Wednesday (July 21) marked the 2nd anniversary of when Dad died. I still miss him terribly and think how much better things would be if he were here. I know that is not the most productive way to think but it's real. If he were here, Livi would have a fabulous Grandpa to read her books and color with her. She would have really enjoyed being tickled by his bushy beard. Jon wouldn't have to feel so responsible for his family. If Dad were here leading them and supporting Mom in her parenting, I think the family would be doing a lot better too. Jon would have his Dad to go to for advice on parenting and on being a husband. He would have had the support from some one who really got "it" when he made his career change. He would have some one to debate with. Jon really misses that.

Okay, enough of the really depressing stuff. The two year mark is a very different milestone than the one year. At one year you are just beginning to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. You have past all the "firsts" without him and you survived... the one year mark is the last "first". You are still VERY much grieving the loss and wishing for what should have been. That grief and those feelings still haven't completely gone away at the two year milestone, but they are easier to deal with. The two year mark shows that life really does go on and that you can and should keep living. Two years is a long time to be without some one you love. You move on, in a way. You figure out how to live without them. Although you still hope to see them sitting on the couch reading when you go to their house or hear their voice from the kitchen, you know that is just wishful thinking. In the first year you thought it was actually a possibility and that you've just been in a bad dream for the past few months.

We went out for our annual dinner at the Keg with the family on Wednesday. The Keg was one of Dad's favorite restaurants. Things were very surface but pleasant. It wasn't a cry-fest this year. It is very evident that we all still very much miss Dad and are dealing with the effects of that loss, but with a family of mostly boys who don't communicate well, if at all, we didn't get too deep or introspective. I had good talks with my friends and Mom to process this milestone. I need to talk, openly and honestly. I'm amazed sometimes how Jon and I have such a good relationship when we are from such different back grounds and communication styles!

We made it through and despite drinking a bit more this week, I think Jon and I coped quite well :) We are still missing Dad and sad for how things should have been. My grief is mostly now surrounding the fact that he missed out on being Livi's Grandpa. Livi will never have a Grandpa. That is what makes me the most sad. I wish Dad could see what a fabulous grandbaby he has!

It Is Finished

We have finished our move and are trying to settle in to our new home. The move went really well, even in the 35 degree heat! Our friends and family who helped were amazing! We were all packed up in to the truck in 2 hours and it only took half an hour to unload. They stayed and helped set up our beds, a bookshelf I had bought from Ikea and unpack most of my kitchen! Thank you so much everyone!!!

All our boxes are unpacked and I finished putting up the last of the pictures today :) The pictures have really helped me to feel more settled. I still have a bit of a unsettled feeling being here but I am pushing through it! There are so many things I love about being here. The yard is fabulous! After Livi gets her bottle in the morning, she asks to go outside :) We have eaten nearly every meal outside too :) I love the colors of the walls. (Thanks everyone who helped paint before we moved in!) I love how quiet it is! No cars and sirens to lull us to sleep. I love being able to go for a walk with Livi and not have to be constantly on guard for traffic. I love being close to my Mom and Maggy and having them so involved in Livi's life. I was able to help my Mom out yesterday by being home for her charges too when she was going to be late. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement!

I can't shake the weirdness of the situation though. I had moved out of this house at 17 and ten years later I'm back? Livi is sleeping in the same room I had as a teenager! The house has been completely renovated since I lived here last. There was never a basement suite when I was here, but it still is difficult telling people I've moved in to my Mother's basement suite. We went for a walk today and I had all these memories of the neighborhood and various houses where friends used to live. I wasn't the most well behaved teenager, so not all those memories were positive. I know that it was the right decision to move here and I even feel that it was a good decision, but I also know it is a sacrifice for Jon and I to not own our own home anymore, or to have a proper sized kitchen (there is no storage in our kitchen) and to live in such close proximity to my fabulously amazing and dysfunctional family!

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this opportunity. We are truly blessed to be able to live so well while saving money for our adoption. We are paying some rent, just not a lot :) We also have the added blessing of my Mom's support/babysitting upstairs! This is going to be invaluable when we bring our next daughter home! I know it is a sacrifice on my Mom's part too. It is her contribution to our adoption. I'm sure many of her friends think she is crazy to have allowed such a scheme.

In major life changes I generally experience a bit of a psychological episode which I think I am mostly keeping at bay right now. In the past, I've become depressed, moody, anxious, unable to sleep and overly controlling etc... So far, I've been coping quite well... I think. I have an uneasy feeling, which I am contributing to this place not feeling like home yet. With the lack of storage in the kitchen and bathroom, I've had to "artistically" display many items I'd rather have hidden in a cupboard. It looks a little chaotic to me and will take some getting used to. I've also been having some CRAZY dreams too. I regularly have wild dream and intense nightmares but since we've moved my nights are filled with crazy, non-intelligible dreams. If this is as bad as I get, I'll be happy!

Olivia has been having a bit of a tough time with the move. For the first couple days, when she would get upset, she would ask to go home. It broke my heart. She has been very clingy for me in particular and she's had some pretty epic meltdowns. I must admit that I have allowed her to watch more cartoons this week than she has watched all year! I needed the break and she needed some quiet time :) She is loving the yard and the little pool we got her but she has also had a few very sad moments. Aside from her melt downs she took her first tumble out of her crib. I think she basically hit the ground face first too. She was bleeding from her nose and lip, has a big bruise on her forehead and rug burn under her nose. It was very sad :(

All in all, we are settling in as we expected. We are hoping it feels like home sooner than later. Our condo still hasn't sold, but I'm trying not to think about it. Nothing comparable is selling right now so we are starting to think of how much of a hit we are willing to take. There are so many unknowns with real estate! We need it to sell yesterday!

Belated Father's Day

Father's Day came and went with little acknowledgement for Jon. I dropped the ball a little :( Understandably, I had been extremely busy with work Thursday night, Victoria Friday and Saturday, work again Sunday morning, an engagement party Sunday afternoon (Yay Geoff and Melissa!) and work again on Monday!

I was exhausted and knew I would be slightly unavailable so Livi and I got him a present instead...Livi helped me choose out a new wedding/family ring! A few years ago Jon lost his real wedding ring! He had to take it off for working in the workshop and through taking it on and off every day, it got lost in the shuffle. I'm a very understanding wife :) We didn't replace it with anything too expensive, as we are really trying to be good with our spending, but I think it is really nice.

So, what can I say about my wonderful husband and fabulous baby Daddy?

Our relationship has evolved a lot this past year. We have each changed as individuals and grown in maturity and respect for each others differences. He is so supportive, genuine, and committed. I love him a lot and respect him as a man who should be looked up too. Growing up, I never thought I'd be able to say that about a man, let alone a man I was with!

Jon is an amazing, devoted father who would do anything for his little girl. He changes her diapers, plays with her, feeds her, cooks with her (not just for her), comforts her when she cries, bathes her, puts her to sleep almost every night, and plays her the guitar at her beckon call. We agree fully on how we parent her. I don't think we've ever had a real disagreement when it comes to how we are raising her. How did I get so lucky?  Livi adores him just as much. She wakes him up from naps with kisses on the cheeks and eggs him on to tickle or chase her as only a little imp can :) When she has had enough tickles or is tired of being bugged by him (which he is entirely too good at) she mimics Mommy by annoyingly saying "Joooon!" It is super cute.

Basically, all of this is to say a Happy Belated Father's Day to my sexy husband and father to my child! I couldn't do it with out you! Thank you for always being there for us. You're girls love you lots!

Stressed Out

I'm feeling a little stressed out with life right now. I know that it is understandable with everything going on and I was even expecting it, but it still doesn't make things easier. I'm going to take a minute to vent about everything. I'm big in to verbal processing :)

The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that our condo hasn't sold yet. Our realtor doesn't think that it is not a problem with our place or the price, just the real estate market. No comparable condo's have sold since we've listed. I'm starting to get quite worried about it though. We have committed to moving in July and I don't relish the thought of paying for two places. The plan was to move in order to save money, not max ourselves out! Now I'm starting to think about cutting the price... but how much do we drop it. We were already just going to be able to break even. If we lower the price, we'll be taking a financial hit!

The house issue is worrying me a bit more this month because of all the extra bills we have paid off this week. We had to pay a $1200 tax bill that I didn't realize we had because I forgot to claim some income of Jon's. It may end up being more too because of possible interest. I also paid a $600 property tax bill. Plus I bought a new kitchen table and chairs... okay that one was an un-necessary expense, but it is really pretty :) The chairs we have are not safe any longer and I got the table and chairs for the price of just the chairs! The expense of moving is looming at the back of my mind too. We'll do it all ourselves, with friends, but we still have to rent a truck and buy lunch and beer for our helpers!

I've had a lot of paperwork that I am putting off right now too. I'm good at procrastinating those things. A letter is due for the Chosen Children CRA application, student loan paperwork is due, all the changes of address stuff needs to be started, some more forms will need to be completed in a few weeks for our dossier,  a bank account needs to be started for Chosen Children, and I'm still trying to figure stuff out with that tax bill that I just paid!

All of this needs to be attended too, plus stuff I'm sure I am forgetting, while keeping the house clean, in case we have any showings, keeping Livi entertained, feeding my family (we've been eating out a lot this month, not good for my financial worries!), trying to be a good wife and friend, and working way more than I usually do (four shifts this week alone!).

I don't think I've been the best at juggling everything very well. I'm feeling drained most days and I'm getting pretty snappy too. I'm sure Jon is not appreciating that very much. I know that things are not as big as I am making them but I can't help but worry sometimes! So, now I'm procrastinating even more by letting Livi watch cartoons and writing on the blog!

Okay, I'm done venting... and I need to get ready for work :( I know this will pass and I will prioritize and get everything done. I always do! If you are the praying kind though, could you pray that our place sells... NOW! Thanks :)

Mish-Mash

*Remember to check out my updated Adoption and About Me pages in the top corner!*

I've been neglecting my blogging... Sorry. Honestly, I've had too much to say so I've been avoiding it. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with life right now. It's not even that I am particularly busy, I'm just juggling a lot of unknowns. I'm not good with unknowns. This might be a bit of a mish-mash post.

1. Adoption News... There is not much news. We have decided that we are ready to commit to a child... so we are waiting for THE call. We still have at least one more Homestudy meeting in May and need to finish all our education before then, but we could still get a referral before then. I've already been finding that every time the phone rings I am hoping it is the agency telling me our daughter is ready for us! I'm not really expecting THE phone call until the summer though. There are some things changing in the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria right now. I don't really understand it all, but as of June, they are supposed to be opening up more children for international adoption.

2. Jon still doesn't know about his job position yet. Other's have applied for it so he will have to panel for it. Panelling means he will be interviewed by three or four people and have his answers scored. The person with the highest score gets the job. If scores are tied, then seniority comes in to play. He stands a really good chance but interviews still aren't scheduled! I'd like to know one way or another.

3. We have decided to move to my mom's basement suite in Chilliwack. I'm scared, but I know it is the right decision. Jon's main concern is his commute and my main worry is how I'm going to deal with being back in the neighborhood and home I grew up in. We have committed to staying there for a year to save money. We will be cutting our living expenses by at least 60%. It is a sacrifice we are making so we don't have to worry about finances and the adoption as much. Don't get me wrong, this decision has a lot of positives! Financial savings are HUGE! Livi gets a back yard to run around in and explore! My mom is right upstairs to help out and support us with our second child... which will be invaluable!

4. Livi is a two year old, who is not quite two! Oh My Gosh, I almost have a two year old! How INSANE is that?! Everything is "Nnnno!" right now and she has thrown a few little tantrums too. They mostly consisted of her crying inconsolably for something she wanted. She has also begun throwing things when she is frustrated... which then makes me frustrated! She is still an angel though. Her  vocabulary is expanding and she can converse pretty good now. She gets her point across with words mostly and mimics EVERYTHING we say! I went in to get her up one morning and she greeted me with a "Morning Darling!" and when she saw all the chocolate chip cookies that she helped make come out of the oven she got wide-eyed and said "Oh My Goodness!" She is so friggin' cute!

Livi is really good at wearing hats, which I love. She is accumulating quite the little collection and looks super stylish. I'll have to start getting some pictures out. She loves being dirty and is quite the little tom-boy. I love it... but wish the clean-up wasn't so difficult. Livi has also become quite the little singer. She has a few on her play list now... mostly from Sesame Street.

5. I'm still waiting for confirmation for some paperwork I sent in for Chosen Children. I wish it would hurry up! I'm feeling a little incapable with the whole charity thing. It is so much bigger than me but I don't want to just waste my efforts and give up! It is something I really believe is needed, but I don't know what I am doing!!! I'll figure it all out though. I would feel a lot more confident if I had some support from someone who has done this before though. So, if anyone knows anyone who could help out, I'd really appreciate it!

6. Lifestyle Change update... Easter was the beginning of the little rut I'm in. We were so busy then that I relaxed too much with going to the gym and all the delicious food was far too tempting. I have kept up my better eating habits and thankfully that has kept me from gaining anything back. I am still going to the gym, but not with the same drive that I had originally. I have not weighed myself in many weeks, but I think I am still slowly shrinking! I went through a bunch of my pants recently and threw out 6 pairs that were to big! I bought a pair of capris this week too, that are the same brand and cut as my favorite jeans, and they are a size smaller than what I bought last time! Hooray me! Although I still need to get my butt back to the gym more often. I think I would love to go to the gym with some one once or twice a week. Any takers?

To Move or Not To Move...

So, we just found out that we are not going to get approved for the amount of financing we want until Jon has his position permanent. They acknowledge that, based on his income, we can afford more than we are asking for, but because he only has a contract and not a permanent position they don't want to lend us a mortgage. It is a bit annoying because I am very anxious to get a yard for Livi. It will happen though. I am confident.
Jon's position that he is currently working as auxillary has been posted already. It closes on the 16th and hopefully no one else wants it so it can be his quickly. If he doesn't get the position, he still has a job, he will just still be on contract. If that is the case, we are actually thinking of still selling our condo and moving in to my mom's basement suite in Chilliwack. Is that weird? It would sort of seem like a step back.

Honestly, the idea is very appealing to me. I'm really close with my mom and we have a great relationship. She has a really nice two bedroom walkout basement, with a huge back yard. I would have her there to support me with becoming a mom of two. I think I'm going to need all the support I can get with a child with special needs. The other bonus, of course, is the fact that we would save a bunch of money and be able to put that towards a bigger down payment or student loan debt. I guess we'll see what happens.

The Flood

Early Sunday morning, 2:15am to be exact, we woke up to an odd noise. At first we thought it was our cat, Parker, getting in to something. We both took turns yelling at him from our dopey, half-asleep state. Finally, when the noise wasn't stopping, Jon got up to explore...

Water was splashed all over our kitchen floor. Our ceiling was leaking! We were woken up by the sound of the water hitting our laminate flooring! We were not the dumbasses to put laminate in the kitchen. The whole ceiling in our ensuite was soaked and part of our kitchen.

It turns out that the brilliant guy upstairs knew his bathroom sink was plugged, but decided to use it anyway. Because he was drunk, he left the house with it running! Who does that?! It is so automatic to just turn the tap off! So, we have since faced three nights with our mattress in the living room because a very loud dehumidifier was running in our ensuite. We are finally back in our bedroom tonight but we are still looking at work getting done. Our ensuite ceiling has been replaced and much of the wall patched up. Our kitchen has been patched already too. There is more patching, sanding and painting to be done yet.

I'm trying to look at the positive of this situation though. It was kind of fun and romantic to have a sleep over in the living room. Plus, our kitchen and ensuite are getting facelifts with out us having to do any work. I can choose updated colors and they are going to change the light fixture in the bathroom that has been sitting there waiting to be changed for over a year! With us listing our place soon, this can't hurt!

Big Decisions Are No Good For Lifestyle Changes!

This week we have had two of the biggest decisions of our life to make. Needless to say my meal plan went even more out the window than it was and I only went to the gym once or twice. I'm not expecting good results this Wednesday at my weigh in :(

What were those big decisions that overwhelmed me with a need for easy, quick, and unfortunately not very healthy food?

Well, we have an opportunity to buy a beautiful, perfect, forever house for a bit of a deal but it would still stretch us financially. So, the question is do we jump in or hold back? It may not seem like such a hard decision to some... "Life is too short to be stressed about finances", but it is such a perfect house for our growing family in a perfect area! We've been discussing it on and off all week and we have a lot of different scenarios to consider, so we still haven't completely decided what we are going to do.

Speaking of our growing family, the other big decision has come with a child referral! It isn't typical to get a referral of a child before you've even started your homestudy, but because we are, essentially, adopting an "unwanted" child, there is no waitlist of adopting parents. She is beautiful, precious, adorable, a true gift, but two years older than Livi. Jon and I are really struggling with all the issues associated with adopting so far out of birth order. How would Livi adjust to Mommy needing to spend so much extra time with a child older than her? How would our knew daughter adjust to being the oldest child but not the first daughter? What about school? We didn't want the girls to be in the same grade. So many things are swimming around our heads.

I think we have come to a decision, or at least a compromise, on this decision. We are only just starting our homestudy and this was our first official referral. We don't want to jump in to something that wouldn't be right for our family just because it is the first opportunity. There is no legal commitment yet anyway, so we are going to say no for now and see which referrals we get at the end of our homestudy. If she is still available then, we will definitely consider her more. I feel horrible making this decision. Are we making the right one? How can I say no to a child in need? What if no one adopts her? Are we essentially sentencing her to a miserable life in an institution? How do I deal with these kinds of thoughts and not go crazy!? I do feel comfortable with our decision at the moment... but that doesn't mean in five minutes I won't change my mind and want to say yes.

Our first homestudy meeting is on Tuesday and we are VERY excited! We'll talk things over with our social worker than and get a better feel for how everything is going to work from here. Send your love and prayers over the next few months! We have some HUGE decisions and very exciting life changes coming up in the next few months!

Still Recovering

I am still recovering. It is going a lot slower than I thought it would be. I'm not in pain anymore but I just don't feel right. My appetite is completely gone and I feel bloated and full most of the time. After I eat, the bloating feels worse. Today was my first day without help with Livi too, so I'm a little sore from picking her up so much. I didn't think I would still be so sore.

I didn't make it to the gym today and I'm feeling anxious that my meal plan has completely gone out the window. I can barely eat the amount of food that Livi is eating and don't have much energy to prepare meals. Certain foods have given me cramps too. I feel like I'm loosing my momentum to exerciser. I went to the gym yesterday to just do15 minutes of cardio. I hurt at a few points and had to relax, and I was sweating and light headed by the end of it. It was worse than my first work out! I left feeling slightly disheartened. My first weigh in is next week!

I think I need to relax about my recovery though. The nurse did say atleast two weeks before I was doing everything that I was before. I've always been an impatient overachiever. I figured I'd be back to normal in a week.

Going Under

I'm at home and recovering nicely. I'm a little sore, tired, very dizzy and VERY itchy from my meds. I've heard that morphine can sometimes make people itchy but I've never had that reaction. I'm not on morphine but on another pain med that is also derived from opium and it is making my entire body SO ITCHY. I'm trying to ignore it but it is very difficult! Plus, my shoulder just aches! I've heard that the gases used for the laprascopic surgery can settle in your right shoulder and really hurt. I think it was bothering me more than my stomach actually was!

My surgery went off with out a hitch and I am now gallbladder-less. I didn't realize I was as nervous about the surgery as I was. It occurred to me that the only time I'd been put under since I was a kid was when I had a cyst burst and hemorrhage in to my abdomen. I was in so much pain and so drugged up that I didn't even notice getting put out. The idea of consciously letting myself be put under, giving the doctor complete control over my life essentially, and not being available to Livi if she needed me scared me. Then, of course, I started remembering all the stories I've heard of things going wrong and people dying because of the anesthetic. I'm not a wimp, but I think since becoming a mom I have opened myself up to being a lot more vulnerable. My emotions are much closer to the surface. I think I did okay keeping my anxiety in check, although it took a lot of positive self-talk at times.

My pre-op nurse was great! I was very impressed with her ability to put in my IV. I have never had anyone able to put an IV in to me with only one try, but she did! And, no bruise! Generally, my veins don't come up high enough or they roll. Basically, it is just a big painful nightmare for me. Needless to say, I was very happy with her ability. My surgery was an hour and a half later than I had been told, but Jon and the old guy sitting next to me kept me entertained and my mind off the anxiety.

I think the worst part of it all was consciously going in to the operating room. I had to say goodbye to Jon in the waiting room and walk down a long hall, only to be met by a freezing cold operating room. My surgical nurse did a great job at trying to keep me calm, although he had to leave me once he had me settled and at this point I was starting to freak out a bit. No one was looking at me. No one was acknowledging that I was even there. They just went about their business, getting the room ready, while I lay there, with my arms stretched out, staring up at the ceiling and big bowls that would be lights, trying to stop crying, wanting to scream at the nurses to talk to me or get up and run home to my baby! I was very thankful for my doctor at that moment though. I don't think he has much bedside manner. He is a specialist after all. But, he came over to me, smiled and kept eye contact, put his hand on my arm and helped the anesthesiologist with my oxygen. I was very thankful. He kept eye contact with me until I fell asleep, even after the nurse came and took over for him.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. My throat hurt, but they wouldn't let me have water. I wanted to see Jon. Of course they wouldn't let me yet. I again started crying. The post-op nurse was not nearly as nice as the pre-op one. She didn't come over to comfort me. She just told me I'd see my husband in an hour or so. When you are crying, feeling like you've just been hit by a bus, and waking up from anesthetic, you don't want to have to hear you have to wait an entire hour! I didn't hit it off great with my next nurse either. This time I think it was partly my fault though. Jon wasn't in the next recovery room I was moved to either and no one had called him yet. I got a little demanding. She insisted on checking me in before she called him and I didn't like that much. To make matters worse Jon didn't answer his phone when she finally did pick up the phone! I got a little upset :( He showed up pretty quickly but not until after I made the nurse try two other numbers.

I recovered quite quickly. The nurses were actually quite surprised. Since we had taken two separate cars in the morning, because Jon had to wait for my mom to get there to watch Livi, Jon took one of the cars back home and was going to come back with my mom and Livi. I was alone for about half an hour and decided I had to use the bathroom. Since the nurse, that may or may not have been annoyed with me at the time, had not left me with a beeper to page the nurses for help, I did it myself. I reached down and got my pants on, crawled off the edge of the bed because I didn't know how to get the rails down and started walking to the bathroom. All the nurses in close vicinity were looking at me and asking if I was okay, watching me closely. They checked on me twice while I was in the washroom and I wasn't in there for very long. Then they walked back to my bed with me. I kind of laughed and said "What? Are people not usually up this early?" She shook her head, wide eyed and said "No, this is rather early." She then made sure I had the buzzer close at hand.

I feel sorry for the workers and family members who are going to have to put up with me when I get old. I am more like my Grandfather than I realized. It didn't really even cross my mind to call for help from a nurse to go to the washroom. When I was getting checked out, I tried insisting that I was fine to go to the movie store with Jon. I only backed down when I realized how much I was frustrating him. I wasn't trying to be difficult. I just didn't know what the big deal was. I felt "fine." Darn my Mennonite genes!

Livi came to visit with my mom to help get me home. She just stared and stared at me, seemingly on the verge of crying. I had oxygen on me because my levels were a little low. I think that scared her a little bit. I took it off right away and acted really excited for her to see all the "neat" things attached to me. Like my IV and "owie" on my belly button. When she saw my belly button she relaxed and started playing. She really liked getting rides on the wheelchair :)

Since being home I've been sleeping a lot. I underestimated how tired I'd be. My pain level is being kept very low but I have no energy. I'm quite dizzy and dopey too. I've had a lot of help since I've been home though. My sister came over to help with Livi all day yesterday and my friend brought her son over to play with Livi this morning and my mom came back this afternoon to take over. They have been invaluable to me. I'm not allowed to pick up Livi for a while yet and definitely do not have the energy to chase after her. It is hard not being able to pick her up but I think we are coping okay. I can hold her on my left side, so I've been giving her her bottles when I'm awake and my helpers have been good at keeping her distracted from me.

Thanks so much for everyone prayers for a safe surgery and an extra special thanks to those of you who have come over, or will be coming over, in this first week to help out with Livi. With Jon's new job he couldn't really take time off work to stay home with me. I don't know what I would have done with out you guys!

Lifestyle Change 101

So, I've fully embraced my new healthier lifestyle and am actually finding it easier than I thought I would. I went to the gym three times last week and finding that I am almost loving it! I like how I feel after I've reached my goal for the day. The adrenaline that I feel still pumping through me when I'm showering afterward is so empowering. I know what all those athletic people are talking about now!

The meal plan isn't as bad as I was expecting either... it isn't quite as good as I was hoping though. I guess that is because it is lacking all the sugar and trans fats that I am used to. I'm not buying their food or anything like that. I'm following recipes and portions from a daily menu of normal food I buy at the grocery store that is specific to my likes and dislikes. It is teaching me what and how much I should be eating. I have room to enjoy eating out and to have the occasional treat, but hopefully I can have the control to watch my portions and go crazy with the treats. It is teaching me to read the nutritional charts and be aware of how many calories I'm eating.

I think the most surprising part of what I am doing is how much food they are wanting me to eat! It will be less as I lose body fat but right now they have me eating nearly 400 calories five times a day! I'm used to three bigger meals and a smaller snack or two. I'm having trouble finishing everything they are giving me. I guess it is to keep my metabolism going and keep me full between meals, but I'm sometimes still full at meal times! I guess that's what happens when you eat the proper food.

I've thought a bit more about my specific goal in this new endeavour. Jon and I are planning to take a vacation in October or November, assuming no major life events disrupt those plans. So, my goal is to lose 50 pounds by then. They say a healthy weight loss is done at about one to two pounds a week. I figure there is a little over forty weeks between now and our vacation. I also figure that my meal plan and excersise regime will be a little shot for the next few weeks since I am having my gallbladder removed on Wednesday and I won't be allowed to excersise as hard as I have been or eat properly. So, 50lbs in 40 weeks is doable right? My first weigh in is on the 28th... it will be every two weeks after that. I just thought with my surgery I would give it an extra week to get back to excersising before my first weigh in. I'll keep you posted!

Life As I Know It

I am really enjoying my life right now :) Things are on the up. I figure it's about time! I don't mean to be a downer all the time but I'm still processing and dealing with a lot of the after math of my last year. Okay, back to my awesome, up-turning life.

I love my little girl. I know... I say that all the time. It gets a little repetitive but she is incredible! She amazes and delights me every day, every hour! Time is moving by so quickly and Livi is growing up way to fast! She is not a baby anymore. I try to play a "you're my baby" game but she just giggles at me. She walks, runs, dances, and talks. She has begun saying two words together this week too! I guess that officially means she is saying sentences. She says "good girl" and "nice kitty."

Livi has become very proficient at testing her boundaries. After being told not to hit the television screen, she will hit the plastic beside the screen. After telling her "no" again, she moves to the side of the television, then the speaker beside the TV... and so on. Because I know my daughter to be very wilful and at the same time very smart, we are slowly begining to institute time-outs. I know many of you mother are probably thinking I'm crazy and wasting my energy... but it seems to be working :) The hitting is already starting to subside. We have been very careful with how we institute the time-outs and when. They only come in to effect when she is being overtly obstinate and hitting me repeatedly after she has been told not too. For the time out, we pick her up and move her to sit by the door, where we stand right beside her but turn around and count to 20. She will sometimes sit and cry but generally she sees something else that grabs her focus and tries to run to it. We do our best to keep her in the corner, than we pick her up say "no more hitting so-and-so" and give her kisses, hugs, and tell her we love her.

I know she is probably not understanding what the time-out is. It is more to give me an outlet for how to handle the situation but I think it is a good stepping stone for Livi too. I hope it will get her used to the idea and have it be more effective earlier.

I love this picture below. It is quite representative of her little tamtrums. I told her not to touch the pictures. She didn't like being told "no", so she cried and KEPT her hand there!

 

I love that Jon has got a new job! He is now officially and finally a Behavioural Interventionist working mostly with Autistic kids. He has been wanting to get in to this field for quite some time now. It is completely different from anything he has been doing in these past few years, but he does have experience with people with varying abilities and I think he is going to be awesome at it! It will be challenging but ptentially very rewarding... which is something I know he has been looking for. The position is a very small 8 hours a week but now that he has his foot in the door, he can apply for internal postings and there is some room for advancement! I'm really praying this works out and Jon can come home pumped and excited about his job instead of grumpy and tired like most days now.

Jon was on the computer and Livi was getting in the way apparently!

 

I love that life is starting to make some very good turns towards the positive. With Jon's knew job, I think he will be feeling more confident and happy. Jon and I are continueing to communicate better, have more fun together and spend more family time together. We are talking about our future more and starting to make plans again and figure things out. I am delighting in Livi as much as I can and really enjoying being at home with her. I'm starting to slowly return to church and solidify and understand my theology more securely. I'm also begining to pursue some of the goals I have for myself. I like feeling hopeful :)

Livi was wearing a housecoat the other day.... 

we thought she just needed a pipe to complete the ensemble!

 

I Survived!

Today, I babysat! I'll be honest, I was a little terrified. I don't know why I was so scared. Being left alone with five special needs adults, with varying degrees of abilities, would be no problem. Being left alone with two one year old's sent my anxiety through the roof! I don't think my fear was very reassuring for the parents who were leaving their precious child in my "capable" hands.

I think the anxiety started about ten months ago. I started trading babysitting with a friend for short periods of time when Livi was just 3 months old. I was not ready to be babysitting another child yet. I was still feeling out how to care for my own child. I did okay but I was always so stressed out when one child was upset, or when I couldn't be everything to both children. Being three months apart the two babies were at such different stages developmentally and had very different temperaments. I would be exhausted after only a few hours of watching both babies. Babysitting trading only lasted for about four or five months because my friend started needing more regular care and for longer periods of time. I was reluctant to commit to anything because I was not handling it very well. Don't worry, both children were very well cared for when I had them... it was just me that was having the problems.

Well, I tried a hand at babysitting again today. Not just for a few hours either. Jude came over for the whole day! I had to do a lot of self-talk last night, trying to convince myself that I could do it with out being stressed. I kept having to tell myself that they where both so much older now and developmentally very close. Jude and Livi are still three months apart but the developmental gap has decreased drastically. They played so well together, aside from Livi hitting Jude's head a few times trying to get my attention (I think there was some jealousy happening) and Jude pulling Livi's hair in frustration.

My day consisted of me sitting on the floor supervising while Jude and Livi played with each other and climbed over me periodically. It was a lot of fun! There were no major melt downs. Just a few crocodile tears here and there. It went better than I hoped for! They even had an hour nap at the same time which meant I got to nap! How great is that?! Now that I know I can do it, even have fun babysitting, I will be a lot more confident to say yes to babysitting in the future... maybe even go out in to public with two kids?!

Sorry, no pictures. I did think of it but I didn't want to push my luck by moving my focus on to anything but them :)

Family Update

I thought it was about time to give a family update. There always seems to be so much going on and Livi keeps growing up so fast. I don't want to forget anything! I looked at her the other day and I swear she looked like she was ten years old! She will always be my baby but I don't think other people will look at her as a baby for much longer.

Livi:
Livi's language has taken off. She seems like she is coming up with a new word every week at least! She has 13 words clearly down now... Mommy, Daddy, Baby, Kitty, Puppy, (Auntie) Sessa, Belly, Sock, Shoe, Nana (banana), Bye Bye, Hello, Okay and No. Thankfully she doesn't use "no" to terribly often. Just yesterday she began saying gina (vagina), and toe. We'll see if they are actually set in her vocabulary or just her copying our sounds.
I was on the fence as to whether I wanted to teach her sign language or not, but did end up teaching her a sign for "all done" when she was around 6 months old. I got tired of her telling me she was full by blowing raspberries filled with applesauce and carrots all over my face. Jon decided he wanted her to be able to say "more" in sign as well, so she has picked that up this week too. I love being able to communicate with my daughter.

She is running everywhere, even in big bulky shoes! I've been quite impressed by the lack of falling on her face. I have also been terrified by the new troubles she is getting herself in to. She jumps off the couch just for the adrenaline rush. I barely caught her going head first over the arm of the couch. I had to dive for her. Her head was inches from the ground and I only caught her by one foot. She has also gone head first in to the tub... trying to get the water. I think I'm going to have a few concussions in my furture.

With her new found mode of transporation she has begun exploring so much more as well. We have to keep the bathroom doors shut because she can open up the toilet seat... We learned that the hard way. We've put child locks on the garbage can and cleaning supplies cupboard but wanted to give her some safe cupboards to explore... That freedom to explore means we are finding measuring cups and juice jugs in very obscure places around the house.

Livi has her first molar too! It finally broke through today... I think there are parts of it still cutting though because tonight she was not the easy going little angel I know and love. Her last forth, top front tooth is nearly out too so that is probably adding to her issues. She has eight, nearly nine, teeth now.

Livi has officially been off formula for a few weeks now. I didn't just want to cut her off of formula suddenly at her one year mark, so I had been giving her half formula and half milk bottles. There was no issues at all with the transitions. She is eating anything and everything now too. She knows when I try to give her baby food and is not generally the happiest about it. She only wants adult food. She'll take her baby food with out a problem if I pretend to scoop it off the plate or bowl that I am eating from. I doubt that trick will work much longer but I need her to finish all the jars of baby food still in my cupboard!

I'm sure there is more to tell about her but this post is getting very rambly (is that a word).... on to Jon and I.

Jon:
Jon had a job interview on Monday. It is just for a temporary 8 hour a week position but it is in the field he is really wanting to get in to and it would definitely get his foot in the door. He has a lot of experience for the position but not the education for it. Let's hope that experience wins out!

Me (Katie):
I have had a rather busy last few weeks myself. On top of caring for Livi, my Grandfather unexpectedly had to have galbladder surgery, so I've been trying to visit and help Grandma out when and where I can. Since he is 87 years old the recovery from the surgery has been pretty tough. He is going to go in to a temporary longer care rehab facility now to help get him back on his feet. I am very close to my Grandparents. They have helped raise me and my siblings, plus I live just a few blocks from their house. It is pretty hard seeing my Grandpa, who always looks so strong and proud, be so weak and let me shave him.... I got a little teary eyed doing that for him.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. I have a busy day of cooking and baking tomorrow to get ready for our four Thanksgiving meals this weekend!

What a Week!

What a week! I am so very, over tired. I need sleep. I need Livi to sleep. I need to sleep without being hyper sensitive to how she is breathing. I need to relax. I need to not dream. I need to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. I need to sleep!

I guess the business started a while ago already. I had been working so much a few weeks ago. Then within these last two week I went to a couple of different community events... Eat! Fraser Valley, a Mother Mother concert at a bar at UBC (dancing with all the college kids made me feel old!), the Cloverdale Kids Swap, and the MCC Fair! I also made it to a baby shower, a birthday party, and a play date. I hosted dinner once and made it to both of Livi's music and movement classes so far! Wow, busy weeks! I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Livi is sick and I am so tired!

Monday morning Livi woke up with a cough. It wasn't anything that we were to concerned about though. Just an occasional bark. But lunch time though, she had spiked a high fever. She was up to nearly 39 degrees, under arm! We were able to keep it down in the moderate range though. That night she started having coughing attacks that made her throw up. She has never been a very pukey baby so it scared her. She cried a lot. My poor baby! My mom thought it sounded like croup, so we did all the home remedies that we could come up with.

Livi improved. Tuesday she still had a few coughing attacks but only a low grade to moderate fever. Wednesday she was well enough to go to music class and stop by some friends house for an impromptu play date. Thursday things started going south again though. Her cough came back with a vengeance and her fever was creeping up again.

Thursday was also the day that my Grandpa ended up in the emergency room. I ended up going to the hospital to make sure Grandma was doing okay. My uncle was there and very attentive to Grandpa, but I wanted to make sure Grandma had some one to support her and make sure she had eaten and was taking care of herself. My Grandpa is a very wonderful, stubborn, Mennonite man who always denies his pain and doesn't take help from family or medical professionals well. My uncle ended up having to insist he let himself be taken to the ER. It is a good thing too. He will be staying there for the next week.

Today was just as busy. I took my Grandma to the hospital, had a much needed hair appointment, stayed with Livi who wasn't napping because her cough kept waking her up while Jon went to two appointments, then we took Livi to the doctors. Livi was diagnosed with brochiolitis, also known as baby asthma. She has been put on some inhalers and she should be feeling better in a few days. She will get over this, although she may have more flare ups in the next year or so. This also may mean that she is more prone to developing regular asthma when she is older. I'm praying this doesn't happen.

Livi was so tired today but couldn't sleep, so she was miserable... which in turn made Mommy and Daddy miserable. I feel so helpless when she is sick... okay, I don't have much experience with it. This is only the third time she has been sick. She is very easy going generally and also handles being sick pretty well. I still know she is feeling miserable though. She has been very cuddly but restless and whiny. I don't know how to help her. She is so upset and scared when she is having a cough attack and can't breath properly. Consequently, I haven't been sleeping well because I am hyper sensitive to every noise she makes. I know she won't just stop breathing but the idea still freaks me out. Since I'm hyper sensitive, I don't think I'm allowing my body to go in to a proper deep sleep and have been having a lot of dreams and nightmares. Did I mention I was tired?

We don't have anything planned for tomorrow. I cancelled the family photo's we were going to have taken by a friend of mine so we can concentrate on getting Livi healthy and myself rested. Red puffy eyes don't lend to nice photos. Well, I think it is safe for me to go to bed now. Livi hasn't woken up in the last half hour and it isn't too early to try and sleep anymore. Goodnight! I know my last few posts have been wordy, so for those of you who only look at my blog to see pictures of Livi, I'll try and post a few pictures tomorrow.