A Rough Day

Today was rough. Sofie hasn't napped in three days. I know some people might think that maybe she doesn't need to nap. She is three after all. Many three year old's have given up there naps. As her mother, I truly do not believe this is the case. If we can't figure this out, it may turn out to be the case, but in my gut I feel like she still needs naps. When she misses her naps she is tired, grumpy, hits and pulls hair more, has more melt downs and bigger food issues. She needs a nap. Quiet time isn't cutting it.

I had a melt down today too. Up until these last two days, I'd been doing really well. I think I have still been on the adrenaline of bringing Sofie home. I remember that same adrenaline when I had Livi. I felt like I could do anything. I had Livi on Thursday and I think it was Tuesday that we went out for the day, my house was clean and I wanted to show off my baby! The feeling hasn't been quite so drastic this second time around but it has lasted longer. I'm at week three today of having Sofie home and only now having my first melt down. I think with Livi it was within the first week.

There is such a thing as post-adoption depression, like postpartum depression. I don't think I am there. I think I am just entering the 'blues' stage. Like baby blues. I remember crying almost every day for a few months with Livi. I don't feel like that is going to happen with Sofie. I had a lot of other stuff going on when Livi was born. I am just adjusting, just like everyone else in my family.

Jon was trying to be sweet and supportive but he had had it with the kids today too. I think I handle it better when only one of us is at the end of our rope, but today we both were. He suggested I go out with a friend or my sisters tomorrow but I honestly don't have enough energy to go out. I wouldn't be relaxed. I would just be thinking of all the things at home that I should be doing or cleaning. I know he was trying to help. This is my issue right now. I feel like once I get the house clean again and things more organized then I can handle it all, but the reality is setting in that my house will never be clean! I'm living in a basement suite with a sub-standard kitchen and unless we want to invest some serious money, things will never be as organized as I want them. There will always be splatters of who-knows-what on various perplexing spots around the house and I will continually step on things that are lying in the floor. I know I'm exaggerating things but this is my reality right now. I'm trying to tell myself that this will pass but tonight it doesn't feel like it!

I don't like feeling this way though. I yelled at both my kids today... surprisingly it didn't seem to phase either of them. Livi had been defiant as usual and Sofie was trying to throw poo at me for the second time today. It was not my finest hour. I don't know exactly what needs to change in my thinking to handle this better. Sleep will help. What if Sofie never naps? I'll be alone in December and need to figure it out for myself. Losing control and yelling  in frustration or anger scares me. I can't let myself go down that road. I know where that road leads and I will die before letting my kids experience any part of that. It is in me though. I think that is why it scares me so much. I will be better tomorrow. I know I will. I just need sleep.

Life

Life is good... hard, but good. I'm going to talk for a minute about the hard stuff....

Helping Daddy with the recycling.

This adoption is truly a dream come true, but it has brought with it a lot of challenges. Most of the challenges were considered and expected before hand, but it still doesn't make it easy! Jon and I had talked excessively about the possibility of Sofie having certain behavioral issues but we had hoped we'd slide by with out Livi having too many issues. For the most part Livi is doing really well but she is having some jealousy and regression. She usually wants the parent who is taking care of Sofie at the moment. She has been very defiant, overly emotional and tells us she is going to do things that are not allowed. She has showed her regression too. I don't quite understand it and am finding it so frustrating. She has been potty trained for well over a year and in the past two days she has peed her pants 3 times and partially pooped in her pants twice. 

I know Livi is in transition and her whole world has been interrupted and turned around. We didn't bring home a tiny baby who just sits there, sleeps, and eats. We brought home a walking three year old who engages with us, seeks out our attention and has her own little personality. It seems to be very different from my friends experiences. Easier in some ways but harder in others. 

Bed time at night is the worst. Each night Livi is ridiculous. She won't lay down, bangs the wall, lays down the other way, wakes up Sofie so she gets out of bed and get us to come back in the room, and has a million excuses to gets out of bed. It is so beyond frustrating. Bedtime, which used to be a 15 minute routine is now up to an hour and a half. It is so ridiculous.

Tired out from the sun :)

Sofie is doing so much better than we could have hoped for. She is still indiscriminate with who she approaches and plays with but she is coming to us for food and comfort. I don't think I've seen her go to any one else for that recently. Her eating has improved more than I could imagine. She rarely cries during meals now and she has a pretty good appetite! She is still VERY picky about what she eats and prefers sweet things. What kid doesn't, right? She eats 8 month old baby food. The 12 month stuff has chunks which she won't eat. She still hasn't drank much. We tend to get a few sips of chocolate milk, and sometimes milk, in to her each day. Yesterday her Gramma got some juice and water in!!! This is the first time she has drank water since being at the orphanage! Yay Gramma!!!

Clapping with Auntie Maggy!

Sofie  is very quiet but she is definitely discovering her voice. She has started letting people really know when she is mad... usually because we are taking her out of the bathroom. She is starting to say mama more but I'm still not sure she is associating it with us. She is cuddling with us as she goes to sleep, instead of doing her orphan rocking thing that I hate! I love cuddles with my kids and I love that Sofie is choosing to cuddle with us! She is playing with toys too, which is so awesome. She stacks rings, loves playing with necklaces and tea sets. I think she might end up being really girly. She doesn't like barrettes in her hair yet though. She just started kissing us today though! I love it! They are so cute and usually have a little tongue in there but I think that is fairly normal for her developmental level. She can wave goodbye and blow kisses to. That came from the orphanage.

Sofie still grinds her teeth and clicks her jaw but she doesn't do nearly as much as she did in the beginning! The grinding teeth is also a symptom of low muscle tone and control in her jaw, not just a coping mechanism of the orphanage. She rocks way less... I will sometime go all day with out seeing her do it. She must be feeling so much safer and dependent on us to help her cope. She doesn't need that extra coping mechanism! Hooray!

Happy girl :) Signing for food here.

Nap times still suck though. Today, she took nearly two hours to get to sleep at nap time today. But she did finally sleep! The parents of child with DS need to more stubborn than the child! She doesn't generally cry like she used to when going to sleep. She just takes for ever to settle. Surprisingly she goes to sleep much smoother at night. Livi has the issues at night. Sofie's sleep is very unsettled. She is a pretty heavy sleeper but very unsettled. She tosses and turns like you couldn't even imagine. Most days she is ending up on the floor. She usually falls off feet first and doesn't hurt herself, but sometimes it is head first... I think we should probably set up the crib. I feel kind of bad for Sofie because in the orphanage she wasn't allowed to explore her world and never got hurt. In the first few weeks she has been with us she's gotten a few bumps on the head, a scraped knee, and a few good scratches on her arm! I think it is good for her though :)

We took her to see a fabulous pediatrician who looked her over and is making some referrals for us. The appointment will cost us over $200 because we don't have Sofie's citizenship card yet and can't get her Care Card with out it! I hope it comes fast. The pediatrician said she does have a murmur in her heart that we'll check out and wants to get a baseline for a bunch of things but over all she is doing well. Of course she is under weight and he thought what we were doing was fine. Basically get anything we can in to her, no matter what it is. She is 20lbs. That is in the 5th percentile of the DS growth chart and up half a pound since we got her, assuming the scales were both accurate. If I remember right she is 32 inches tall, which puts her under the 25th percentile for height. We also met with the Child Development Center this week. Sofie will get Physiotherapy, Occupational therapy and Speech Therapy! Yay! The CDC was really great too! Sofie is definitely getting a good start!

Riding on Daddy! Way to much fun!

Being goofs.

Bedtime story!

As far as parenting, I think I'm really starting to feel attached and like Sofie's mom. I love her completely, although it is still easier to love her in her easy, happy times. I think that is true with any child though :) It seems to be growing more slowly than with Livi though. I don't quite remember how things progressed with Livi. I remember not feeling it right away like Jon but I don't know exactly when I was fully attached. With Sofie, I think I'm so much more aware of the process and analyzing all my feelings. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

With Livi, I was the main caregiver, I was her food and usually her comfort. I spent 24/7 with her. I didn't have the freedom to go out for more than an hour with out her. I felt like I was the only one who knew what she wanted and needed and when. With Sofie, Jon is home full time until December (yay for government jobs and topping up EI!). I'm not the only one who can feed and comfort Sofie. He is very much in the exact same role as me here. I love this experience, but it is so different. I feel like I should feel guilty if I leave Sofie at home and take Livi grocery shopping, but I don't. I enjoy grocery shopping sometimes and am loving the one on one time with my first daughter. Is this normal? I think it probably is.

Pot Hole

This morning we got the email saying that Sofie has a virus and is sick with diarrhea. Because of this she wasn't allowed to travel today to go and apply for her Bulgarian passport and get her pictures for the Visa. This is a VERY frustrating bump in the road... It is even extra frustrating because we were originally told her passport would be applied for on July 18th. Our aunt eloquently called it a pot hole. It isn't a devastating engine blow up but a damned pot hole that looses a hubcap and gives you a flat tire. 

With this new development, we figured we had three options....

1. Postpone the trip by a week - This option would still leave us feeling uneasy about the timeline, uneasy about leaving Sofie in the orphanage longer than we'd want, and cost about $1000-$1300 more. 

2. Leave as planned with an undetermined return with Livi - This option would cost us an extra $1000ish for Livi's ticket but we could get a long stay apartment for about the same amount of money as the hotel we are looking at for a shorter time. We would have the extra stress of both kids and Livi with jet lag.

3. Leave as planned and one of us will return as planned while the other stays with Sofie until her Visa comes. This option means one of us staying alone and dealing with a Sofie, alone, on the plane home. There will be an extra $500ish in plane costs plus extra hotel costs.

Option 3 is what we are going with. None of the options are ideal but this makes the most sense. We already have child care all arranged for while we are gone. This way one parent will be home with Livi and another with Sofie and Sofie will be out of the orphanage as scheduled. Because of the legalities of Jon's pre-adoption leave and adoption leave it also makes the most sense for Jon to stay with Sofie. He gets paid pre-adoption leave while he in in country but he can't start his adoption leave until Sofie is in Canada. How ever we work it, this is going to cost us a bunch of more money that we don't have. We are living in our line of credit right now. The month that Sofie gets home is going to be a little rough too because there is a waiting period before EI kicks in. 

Okay, enough complaining. I still get to see, meet, hold, hug and kiss my baby on Monday! Anido also said in the email that we can't go to the orphanage until the Monday. I booked a night for us at Hotel Budapest in the city center for Jon and I to hopefully get some sight seeing in Sunday afternoon after a nap. Eeek! Only 3.5 days until we leave and 5 days until I get to hold my baby!!!

Frustration

It's been a while since I posted... I actually did write one but decided I probably shouldn't publish it :) I had been drinking at the time I wrote it, so you understand. There has been a whole lot of frustration going on since my last post. Nothing terrible... just so frustrating!

Adoption:
Still no word on a court date. We were told we should hear by mid month. When that came and went I sent another email to our agency asking what's up. I'm sure they are getting very annoyed with me. They gave me a detailed response basically saying that it is a paper intensive process and we should hear when court is any day now but not to expect the date to be before mid June! FUCK! We were really hoping to have her in our arms in June. After court there could still be a 6-8 week wait before we can go get her. This whole process is very discouraging. Don't they know how important it is to get Sofie out of there?! Don't they know how gravely malnourished, neglected and skinny she is? I have tons of love and protein just waiting to fatten her up over here! Give her to me! I'm sure every mom who is adopting feels this way. I knew going in to this it would be a difficult, uncertain path but that doesn't make it any easier to handle right now.

Car:
We are also needing to get a new car. Our Echo has served us well but we are nearing 300,000 kms on it and since it is over 10 years old our gas bills seem to be increasing... more than the normal increase we have been having. Buying a new car is such a difficult decision right now. We'd like to be a one car family for as long as possible but don't know if we can manage that with Jon needing it a lot for work and me possibly needing it to take Sofie to different therapies or doctor appointments. We have a very limited budget and are already using borrowed money to pay for the adoption so trying to decide how much money to spend on a replacement family car that will eventually solely be Jon's work car, while not knowing when we will need a second car seems like an impossible task. I hate being a grown up some times.

Family:
Then there is some family stuff that has been irking me too. I used to think that only families with rough back grounds had "stuff" but being a part of Jon's life, who was raised as a pastor's kid with both parents still together, my eyes have been widely opened :) I now know each family has their share of issues. I'm just so tired of it all. Is there no hope of moving past the destructive structures our family's set out for us? Are my children doomed to have to deal with the same generational crap their parents, aunts and uncles, grand parents and great grandparents have had to deal with.

Believe me, I am trying my damnedest to shield my kids from the things that I have had to endure and break any of the cycles that still persist, but Livi has already been exposed to some of it. She has seen her aunt and her uncle cut themselves off from the family for some periods of time, just as our aunts and uncles did to each other (on Jim's side of the family... Jim is my father and I use the term loosely). She has felt the tension that it stirs up in me and witnessed all my siblings and I being reactionary as only a true (insert my maiden name here) can be. Don't get me wrong. Livi has not even come close to witnessing the horrors I did or been victim to anything. It just seems so inevitable sometimes. My siblings and I, who have had minimal contact with Jim's side of the family, have repeated many of the exact same behaviors and made similar choices in certain situations. It is like it is in our DNA or brain patterns.

Most people know, for very good reasons, that I have no contact with Jim. My aunt, his sister, also knows this. When I first said yes to adding her on facebook and telling her my last name there were some very clear boundaries set out. The primary boundary of the utmost importance was that she not relay any information about us to Jim. My mom advocated for her because she was the only one from that family to have gone to counseling and worked on her own family issues, as well as the only one who ever acknowledged what Jim did to us.

Last week I received a joint email to Jim, a lot of his siblings, and a few of his nieces and nephews. It was calling for everyone to forgive, forget and reconnect in honor of her mother, my grandmother, who's dying wish was that everyone get along... even though she was a lot of the problem in that family. In the emails address bar I could see Jim's name and email address. I assumed he could see mine. Does he now know my last name? I didn't freak out. I knew having contact with her posed some element of a risk and it was probably an accident, since I've had her on my facebook for a few years now and never had an issue. I emailed her back with a pointed reminder of the importance of separation from Jim. After a few exchanges of pleasant emailing back and forth, sharing some of my history and learning a bit of hers she wrote that Jim seemed to know a lot about me, but specifically said it was not her who was telling him. In the next email she confessed to telling him about Sofie! Not just telling him that we were adopting, but where she was from, her age, and about her having DS! Really?!

This may sound trivial since I have a blog that used to be public, but he didn't know my name so it didn't seem to be a big worry. (The aunt and anyone on that side of the family doesn't have access to this blog now that it is private.) Although fear does play a role in why my boundaries with regards to Jim are so set, it does not govern my life. I know what he is capable of and I know what I have to do to protect myself and my children from him. I'm not sure how this new family drama is going to play out or how it is going to affect my life (I think Jim is flagged at the border, so unless he jumps into Canada illegally we have nothing to worry about) but this is how it usually goes when you are dealing with a blood relative of Jim's. Argh!

Damn the Citizenship Office! - Update.

So, Tuesday I had faxed the info I had to the Sydney office and we had a meeting to explain our story to a representative at the MP office. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Wednesday I wrote and tried to call the Minister of Citizenship and Immigration. Today, I found a different email for the Minister and sent the email to that address as well. I got a generic emailed response from  that, which said I could expect a response in 10-30 days! Ummm... that wasn't flying with me. So, I sent an email to CBC :)

I got a response from CBC quite quickly and they are interested in our story :) I got scared then. I don't want to go public and piss off anyone making the decisions! I decided to call the CIC call center again, just to clarify what they were telling me my options were and apparently she found my file but was confused by it. Hmmm... Still not very reassuring. I asked her if she was personally looking at the submitted documents and all she kept saying was that she was personally looking at my file (did that mean that they had just made a file for us or that they actually had our application) and that they weren't asking for any further documentation at this time. She said that as of Tuesday (the same day I had faxed and gone to our MP) a special unit was looking after our case. She didn't know any more than that. I still did not feel overly confident.

About an hour later, I got a call from the rep. at the MP office and she said that they had a file for us... still unclear about whether that meant they had all our documents or not... and that our case was put in the URGENT category and would be assigned shortly. I'm cautiously feeling better with this news but I'm still going to be on guard until I have the approval in my hand and don't

I'm thankful that I got heard, or am getting heard. It sure pays to go to the MP! I knew adoption would be a roller coaster but I don't how much of these lows I can take! If anyone thinks that adoption is the easy way out they are EXTREMELY mistaken! We are not going to let CBC have our story quite yet. I will only go there if I think it will help again. We might be interested in giving them our story with CIC once we have Sofie, safe at home. Maybe that will help them get in shape for the future!

We are still painfully waiting on her picture. I called my agency about that today too and they are going to send another email. I asked for the picture even it the file hasn't been translated yet. I don't care. She is ours!

Damn the Citizenship Office!

Back in May we decided to apply for direct Citizenship for our daughter, instead of applying her Permanent Resident Visa first and then applying for Citizenship once she is in Canada. We were told that taking the citizenship route we would be saving money, less paper work and it would be much more straight forward.

We sent in the Part 1 application to be approved as adoptive parents and received an acknowledgement letter,dated June 2, that told us we would be assessed in 8 weeks. Since the citizenship office is notorious for long waits I wasn't too worried when I didn't hear anything at 8 weeks. I called the only public number there, which is only a call center, at week 16. They couldn't find our file based on the reference numbers I had, nor my name or birth date. The operator wasn't at all concerned and just stalked it up to the fact that my case hadn't been assessed yet. She also told me the wait time had jumped to 27 weeks and there was nothing for me to do but wait.

When we received our proposals I called again. That was week 22. They again couldn't find my file but it wasn't concerning to them. They just said I'd have to wait until week 27. I contacted my MP and asked them to make an inquiry on our behalf. They were told the same thing... we just have to wait.

Now we are at week 28. I called again and the operator couldn't find our file. He said the client ID and receipt numbers that were on my acknowledgement letter and payment receipt did not match up with their system. The client ID number had letters that it shouldn't and the receipt number didn't have enough numbers. There was nothing he could do. I started crying at this point. He apparently felt sorry for me and gave me the non-public fax number to the Nova Scotia office, where our file is supposed to be. He told me to fax all the documentation I have along with a letter telling them what has happened and hope for the best.

Immediately, through tears I wrote the letter and immediately faxed it. Jon was livid. We also contacted our MP office, who was angry for us. She also prepared a fax to send to the number that they have and hopefully they take note of one of us and can figure this out. Jon says the next step is the Minister's office! He is not going to accept anything that is going to keep Sofie in her orphanage longer than is needed. I love my husband!

This is potentially a huge set back. Sofie will not be allowed in country unless we have her citizenship, a PR visa or emergency Visa. To get the emergency Visa we'd have to go to Romania, where the closest Canadian Embassy is, with all the paperwork from Bulgaria before we can take Sofie home. Starting the PR route now would set our adoption back a few months and restarting the Citizenship route is looking at 9 months! I'm feeling distraught, frantic, angry, etc... The thought of Sofie having to stay alone in a orphanage that doesn't have all the bare essentials because some stupid government agent screwed up is heart-breaking! I feel helpless.

2 Years

Wednesday (July 21) marked the 2nd anniversary of when Dad died. I still miss him terribly and think how much better things would be if he were here. I know that is not the most productive way to think but it's real. If he were here, Livi would have a fabulous Grandpa to read her books and color with her. She would have really enjoyed being tickled by his bushy beard. Jon wouldn't have to feel so responsible for his family. If Dad were here leading them and supporting Mom in her parenting, I think the family would be doing a lot better too. Jon would have his Dad to go to for advice on parenting and on being a husband. He would have had the support from some one who really got "it" when he made his career change. He would have some one to debate with. Jon really misses that.

Okay, enough of the really depressing stuff. The two year mark is a very different milestone than the one year. At one year you are just beginning to come to terms with the fact that he is gone. You have past all the "firsts" without him and you survived... the one year mark is the last "first". You are still VERY much grieving the loss and wishing for what should have been. That grief and those feelings still haven't completely gone away at the two year milestone, but they are easier to deal with. The two year mark shows that life really does go on and that you can and should keep living. Two years is a long time to be without some one you love. You move on, in a way. You figure out how to live without them. Although you still hope to see them sitting on the couch reading when you go to their house or hear their voice from the kitchen, you know that is just wishful thinking. In the first year you thought it was actually a possibility and that you've just been in a bad dream for the past few months.

We went out for our annual dinner at the Keg with the family on Wednesday. The Keg was one of Dad's favorite restaurants. Things were very surface but pleasant. It wasn't a cry-fest this year. It is very evident that we all still very much miss Dad and are dealing with the effects of that loss, but with a family of mostly boys who don't communicate well, if at all, we didn't get too deep or introspective. I had good talks with my friends and Mom to process this milestone. I need to talk, openly and honestly. I'm amazed sometimes how Jon and I have such a good relationship when we are from such different back grounds and communication styles!

We made it through and despite drinking a bit more this week, I think Jon and I coped quite well :) We are still missing Dad and sad for how things should have been. My grief is mostly now surrounding the fact that he missed out on being Livi's Grandpa. Livi will never have a Grandpa. That is what makes me the most sad. I wish Dad could see what a fabulous grandbaby he has!

It Is Finished

We have finished our move and are trying to settle in to our new home. The move went really well, even in the 35 degree heat! Our friends and family who helped were amazing! We were all packed up in to the truck in 2 hours and it only took half an hour to unload. They stayed and helped set up our beds, a bookshelf I had bought from Ikea and unpack most of my kitchen! Thank you so much everyone!!!

All our boxes are unpacked and I finished putting up the last of the pictures today :) The pictures have really helped me to feel more settled. I still have a bit of a unsettled feeling being here but I am pushing through it! There are so many things I love about being here. The yard is fabulous! After Livi gets her bottle in the morning, she asks to go outside :) We have eaten nearly every meal outside too :) I love the colors of the walls. (Thanks everyone who helped paint before we moved in!) I love how quiet it is! No cars and sirens to lull us to sleep. I love being able to go for a walk with Livi and not have to be constantly on guard for traffic. I love being close to my Mom and Maggy and having them so involved in Livi's life. I was able to help my Mom out yesterday by being home for her charges too when she was going to be late. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement!

I can't shake the weirdness of the situation though. I had moved out of this house at 17 and ten years later I'm back? Livi is sleeping in the same room I had as a teenager! The house has been completely renovated since I lived here last. There was never a basement suite when I was here, but it still is difficult telling people I've moved in to my Mother's basement suite. We went for a walk today and I had all these memories of the neighborhood and various houses where friends used to live. I wasn't the most well behaved teenager, so not all those memories were positive. I know that it was the right decision to move here and I even feel that it was a good decision, but I also know it is a sacrifice for Jon and I to not own our own home anymore, or to have a proper sized kitchen (there is no storage in our kitchen) and to live in such close proximity to my fabulously amazing and dysfunctional family!

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this opportunity. We are truly blessed to be able to live so well while saving money for our adoption. We are paying some rent, just not a lot :) We also have the added blessing of my Mom's support/babysitting upstairs! This is going to be invaluable when we bring our next daughter home! I know it is a sacrifice on my Mom's part too. It is her contribution to our adoption. I'm sure many of her friends think she is crazy to have allowed such a scheme.

In major life changes I generally experience a bit of a psychological episode which I think I am mostly keeping at bay right now. In the past, I've become depressed, moody, anxious, unable to sleep and overly controlling etc... So far, I've been coping quite well... I think. I have an uneasy feeling, which I am contributing to this place not feeling like home yet. With the lack of storage in the kitchen and bathroom, I've had to "artistically" display many items I'd rather have hidden in a cupboard. It looks a little chaotic to me and will take some getting used to. I've also been having some CRAZY dreams too. I regularly have wild dream and intense nightmares but since we've moved my nights are filled with crazy, non-intelligible dreams. If this is as bad as I get, I'll be happy!

Olivia has been having a bit of a tough time with the move. For the first couple days, when she would get upset, she would ask to go home. It broke my heart. She has been very clingy for me in particular and she's had some pretty epic meltdowns. I must admit that I have allowed her to watch more cartoons this week than she has watched all year! I needed the break and she needed some quiet time :) She is loving the yard and the little pool we got her but she has also had a few very sad moments. Aside from her melt downs she took her first tumble out of her crib. I think she basically hit the ground face first too. She was bleeding from her nose and lip, has a big bruise on her forehead and rug burn under her nose. It was very sad :(

All in all, we are settling in as we expected. We are hoping it feels like home sooner than later. Our condo still hasn't sold, but I'm trying not to think about it. Nothing comparable is selling right now so we are starting to think of how much of a hit we are willing to take. There are so many unknowns with real estate! We need it to sell yesterday!

Stressed Out

I'm feeling a little stressed out with life right now. I know that it is understandable with everything going on and I was even expecting it, but it still doesn't make things easier. I'm going to take a minute to vent about everything. I'm big in to verbal processing :)

The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that our condo hasn't sold yet. Our realtor doesn't think that it is not a problem with our place or the price, just the real estate market. No comparable condo's have sold since we've listed. I'm starting to get quite worried about it though. We have committed to moving in July and I don't relish the thought of paying for two places. The plan was to move in order to save money, not max ourselves out! Now I'm starting to think about cutting the price... but how much do we drop it. We were already just going to be able to break even. If we lower the price, we'll be taking a financial hit!

The house issue is worrying me a bit more this month because of all the extra bills we have paid off this week. We had to pay a $1200 tax bill that I didn't realize we had because I forgot to claim some income of Jon's. It may end up being more too because of possible interest. I also paid a $600 property tax bill. Plus I bought a new kitchen table and chairs... okay that one was an un-necessary expense, but it is really pretty :) The chairs we have are not safe any longer and I got the table and chairs for the price of just the chairs! The expense of moving is looming at the back of my mind too. We'll do it all ourselves, with friends, but we still have to rent a truck and buy lunch and beer for our helpers!

I've had a lot of paperwork that I am putting off right now too. I'm good at procrastinating those things. A letter is due for the Chosen Children CRA application, student loan paperwork is due, all the changes of address stuff needs to be started, some more forms will need to be completed in a few weeks for our dossier,  a bank account needs to be started for Chosen Children, and I'm still trying to figure stuff out with that tax bill that I just paid!

All of this needs to be attended too, plus stuff I'm sure I am forgetting, while keeping the house clean, in case we have any showings, keeping Livi entertained, feeding my family (we've been eating out a lot this month, not good for my financial worries!), trying to be a good wife and friend, and working way more than I usually do (four shifts this week alone!).

I don't think I've been the best at juggling everything very well. I'm feeling drained most days and I'm getting pretty snappy too. I'm sure Jon is not appreciating that very much. I know that things are not as big as I am making them but I can't help but worry sometimes! So, now I'm procrastinating even more by letting Livi watch cartoons and writing on the blog!

Okay, I'm done venting... and I need to get ready for work :( I know this will pass and I will prioritize and get everything done. I always do! If you are the praying kind though, could you pray that our place sells... NOW! Thanks :)

Mish-Mash

*Remember to check out my updated Adoption and About Me pages in the top corner!*

I've been neglecting my blogging... Sorry. Honestly, I've had too much to say so I've been avoiding it. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with life right now. It's not even that I am particularly busy, I'm just juggling a lot of unknowns. I'm not good with unknowns. This might be a bit of a mish-mash post.

1. Adoption News... There is not much news. We have decided that we are ready to commit to a child... so we are waiting for THE call. We still have at least one more Homestudy meeting in May and need to finish all our education before then, but we could still get a referral before then. I've already been finding that every time the phone rings I am hoping it is the agency telling me our daughter is ready for us! I'm not really expecting THE phone call until the summer though. There are some things changing in the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria right now. I don't really understand it all, but as of June, they are supposed to be opening up more children for international adoption.

2. Jon still doesn't know about his job position yet. Other's have applied for it so he will have to panel for it. Panelling means he will be interviewed by three or four people and have his answers scored. The person with the highest score gets the job. If scores are tied, then seniority comes in to play. He stands a really good chance but interviews still aren't scheduled! I'd like to know one way or another.

3. We have decided to move to my mom's basement suite in Chilliwack. I'm scared, but I know it is the right decision. Jon's main concern is his commute and my main worry is how I'm going to deal with being back in the neighborhood and home I grew up in. We have committed to staying there for a year to save money. We will be cutting our living expenses by at least 60%. It is a sacrifice we are making so we don't have to worry about finances and the adoption as much. Don't get me wrong, this decision has a lot of positives! Financial savings are HUGE! Livi gets a back yard to run around in and explore! My mom is right upstairs to help out and support us with our second child... which will be invaluable!

4. Livi is a two year old, who is not quite two! Oh My Gosh, I almost have a two year old! How INSANE is that?! Everything is "Nnnno!" right now and she has thrown a few little tantrums too. They mostly consisted of her crying inconsolably for something she wanted. She has also begun throwing things when she is frustrated... which then makes me frustrated! She is still an angel though. Her  vocabulary is expanding and she can converse pretty good now. She gets her point across with words mostly and mimics EVERYTHING we say! I went in to get her up one morning and she greeted me with a "Morning Darling!" and when she saw all the chocolate chip cookies that she helped make come out of the oven she got wide-eyed and said "Oh My Goodness!" She is so friggin' cute!

Livi is really good at wearing hats, which I love. She is accumulating quite the little collection and looks super stylish. I'll have to start getting some pictures out. She loves being dirty and is quite the little tom-boy. I love it... but wish the clean-up wasn't so difficult. Livi has also become quite the little singer. She has a few on her play list now... mostly from Sesame Street.

5. I'm still waiting for confirmation for some paperwork I sent in for Chosen Children. I wish it would hurry up! I'm feeling a little incapable with the whole charity thing. It is so much bigger than me but I don't want to just waste my efforts and give up! It is something I really believe is needed, but I don't know what I am doing!!! I'll figure it all out though. I would feel a lot more confident if I had some support from someone who has done this before though. So, if anyone knows anyone who could help out, I'd really appreciate it!

6. Lifestyle Change update... Easter was the beginning of the little rut I'm in. We were so busy then that I relaxed too much with going to the gym and all the delicious food was far too tempting. I have kept up my better eating habits and thankfully that has kept me from gaining anything back. I am still going to the gym, but not with the same drive that I had originally. I have not weighed myself in many weeks, but I think I am still slowly shrinking! I went through a bunch of my pants recently and threw out 6 pairs that were to big! I bought a pair of capris this week too, that are the same brand and cut as my favorite jeans, and they are a size smaller than what I bought last time! Hooray me! Although I still need to get my butt back to the gym more often. I think I would love to go to the gym with some one once or twice a week. Any takers?

The Flood

Early Sunday morning, 2:15am to be exact, we woke up to an odd noise. At first we thought it was our cat, Parker, getting in to something. We both took turns yelling at him from our dopey, half-asleep state. Finally, when the noise wasn't stopping, Jon got up to explore...

Water was splashed all over our kitchen floor. Our ceiling was leaking! We were woken up by the sound of the water hitting our laminate flooring! We were not the dumbasses to put laminate in the kitchen. The whole ceiling in our ensuite was soaked and part of our kitchen.

It turns out that the brilliant guy upstairs knew his bathroom sink was plugged, but decided to use it anyway. Because he was drunk, he left the house with it running! Who does that?! It is so automatic to just turn the tap off! So, we have since faced three nights with our mattress in the living room because a very loud dehumidifier was running in our ensuite. We are finally back in our bedroom tonight but we are still looking at work getting done. Our ensuite ceiling has been replaced and much of the wall patched up. Our kitchen has been patched already too. There is more patching, sanding and painting to be done yet.

I'm trying to look at the positive of this situation though. It was kind of fun and romantic to have a sleep over in the living room. Plus, our kitchen and ensuite are getting facelifts with out us having to do any work. I can choose updated colors and they are going to change the light fixture in the bathroom that has been sitting there waiting to be changed for over a year! With us listing our place soon, this can't hurt!

Freaking Out A Bit

The evening after I told everyone that we are going ahead with an adoption I started freaking out. All the worries about the adoption process, our ability and readiness, finances, atatchment, health of the child, impact on Livi, impact on the child, the trials of her development, EVERYTHING! I still believe that adopting is the right thing for us and we did think and talk about all of these issues before deciding, but everything just seems to be flooding me the last few days.

My biggest concern, at this moment anyway, is the money. International adoption is SO expensive. How are we going to afford it? What have we committed to? We had wanted to buy a home before she comes in to our lives but I'm not so sure that is going to happen this year. We don't have enough equity in our condo to pay for a down payment for a house so I need to come to terms with staying here a little longer than I hoped. I miss having a yard. I was hoping that we would have one by the summer time so Livi play in it. Oh well. Financially it is a better idea if we wait... after all we are wanting to spend $25,000 this year! If we get "Maggy jr." earlier than we expect the girls will just have to get used to sharing a small room and I'll need to make an extra effort to get out of the house everyday.

Even though I am freaking out about the journey ahead I am so excited. I can't wait for the girls to start playing together, getting that first hug, and having her call me mommy for the first time (if she is verbal). Becoming parents again is going to be such a different experience than becoming parents to Livi. I can't wait to start it!

Figuring Out Depression

I'm feeling rather depressed right now and I can't quite put my finger on it. I hate feeling like this. I know it happens to everyone every once in a while but I get so emotional when I'm like this that anything can get me crying... and I don't like to cry, especially around others. I know... so many issues :)

It probably isn't one thing at all, but a whole bunch of things just poking at me and I'm obviously not dealing with them properly... or maybe at all :) Some things are out of my control... like the weather. I was too sick to get out and enjoy the sun last week and now the forecast is all rain. I've been cooped up in the house for two weeks because I was so sick and now I can't go out because it is pouring rain and cold. I can't even really get to friends houses this week because Jon will be working and we only have one car. I am pretty proud of the fact that we have managed with one car and no cell phone our entire married life but it sure would be nice every once in a while to have my own wheels and a phone!

My energy level still isn't back to normal after having the flu so badly. Consequently, goals I've had for November are not getting done and my house is quite dirty. I've heard it could take several weeks to get your energy back up after H1N1. I've still been sleeping more than usual and sitting on my butt too much. No energy means no exercise, which just feeds in to depression! Maybe I'll go to the pool with Livi on Monday or Tuesday. Anyone want to take us? I do have access to my Grandpa's car when I need it. They only live a few blocks away and since his surgery a few weeks ago, he hasn't been driving it. I help them out where I can with driving and shopping too. It is really nice to have them living so close. I hope Livi has some good memories of her Great Grandparents. I don't really remember mine at all.

Wow... that was a really random paragraph. Okay, this next one will be more fluid.

I think the two biggest things weighing on me right now are our financial future and Tuesday. Our financial future does not look as grim as it once did. Jon has started a really fabulous job that he is absolutely loving. He comes home tired but beaming with stories to tell me. I love it. I'm so glad that he is finally doing something that he is challenged at but enjoys. Because he is just starting out, still casual and the hours are a little hard to work another job around, this is a rough month in terms of money. I know we always pull through some how... I don't really know how we do it but we do! When I tell people how much we live off of people are always shocked.

Jon and I have also been talking about our future plans and finances play a big role in that. Livi is growing up and we'd like her to be a big sister eventually :) Eventually to us means some time in the later half of 2011. We'd like to start trying to get pregnant again next Christmas. With another child means we'll need a bigger home. If Jon can get a full time position in the next few months, I think a house might just be feasible. It will take some strategic planning but I think we could do it. Ideally, we'd like to buy the home that we settle down and raise our family in. That might take a little extra strategizing. I can dream though :) Let's all hope and pray that Jon gets a permanent full time position very soon though, okay! That would take a lot of this stress away.

Tuesday is probably the thing that has set of my episode the most. I am going to go to a family counseling session and will see my estranged sister for the first time in a over year. I don't know how to prepare myself for this. I am so hurt and angry at what she has put her family through but I know that I have to keep myself in check to make it an environment that she is willing to come back in to. Even the fact that I have to make or do anything for her just adds to my anger and frustration. Part of me figures she is the one who took off and made her choices, she has to live with the consequences. Another part of me knows that she is the one who is lost and messed up and needs grace and pure, loving forgiveness. I want my sister back but it is very hard to over look how she has handled herself and her relationships... especially for a blunt, overly authentic, stubborn Irish Mennonite! I never thought it would come to this. I could really use some extra love sent my way on Tuesday night.

I actually think I feel better now. I needed to get my thoughts out and organized. I love my husband dearly, but he is no help when it comes to emotions and empathy. I tried telling him that I was feeling depressed last night and he says, and I quote, "Well, maybe try taking some vitamin D."

Yes, dear. I'm sure that will fix everything!! Why don't I throw some Valium in to me too and chase it with Scotch!

I know vitamin D can help. I do have some in my multi vitamin and calcium pills, but I don't think it is the answer your wife is looking for at 10 o'clock at night when your wife is cuddled up with you trying to have a conversation about how she is feeling! Why are men such dumb-asses sometimes? But again, I want to re-iterate... I love him dearly :)