My Thoughts On Breastfeeding

I have evolved as a mother. I have learned to ask questions and research more (from reputable sources), while letting my gut instincts influence my parenting greatly. I am confident in my choices (most of them). I've learned that although I find some parenting strategies a little excessive and nutty, we are all learning and evolving with our children, trying to do the best we know how. With the birth of Evie I have become an advocate for breastfeeding mothers and the normalization of it in public. I didn't think I would be so passionate about this, especially after my experience breastfeeding Livi, but I'm glad I am. It is not something that should be taboo or hidden.

Breastfeeding is something that our culture is still coming to grips with. People don't talk about it beyond "my baby is, or is not, breastfed." It is hidden behind closed doors or under blankets, literally. New mothers go in to this journey blind. I basically did. We have not seen other women feed their babies or learned from each other. Sure we read the public health literature about how often to feed, how long and in what positions. Speaking from experience, that IS NOT enough information! It is no wonder so many new mom's have such a hard time breastfeeding their babies and end up turning to formula.

First time Evie latched, moments after being born. 

She stayed latched and sucking for 3 hours!

I'm not saying that breastfeeding is the only or best way for everyone. There are MANY legitimate reasons why formula feeding might be the best thing. I am saying that if breastfeeding was more normalized or publicly seen in our culture and not stereotyped as a "granola" or "attachment parenting" mommy thing to do, momma's might be better equipped to nurse their baby and not turn to formula with feelings of failure.

Since nursing Evie, I have realized so much about what actually went wrong with nursing Livi. Livi gained weight well enough but nursing was never easy for us. First off, in the first few days Livi had quite a bit of Jaundice and I needed to supplement after nursing her with formula because my milk had not come in yet. Unknowing how a bottle can impact their latch we gave her formula in the traditional position, from a bottle. Getting a good latch is the most important thing in establishing a mothers milk supply and the baby getting enough to eat. Now I know that there are alternative and better ways to give a newborn needed formula (or a friends pumped breast milk!). With Evie, we had to supplement a little bit as well. Because of her size she was sucking my colostrum dry before my milk came in and was not being hydrated enough to wet diapers. This time, we spoon fed her some formula after each feeding until my milk came in. If a baby needs more than just a top up this can take a really long time. There are special ways to hold the baby and bottle to minimize affecting their latch or you could cup feed them from one of those small medicine measuring cup.

Evie

I have one nipple that is partially inverted (TMI? Oh well, not sharing that would defeat the purpose of this post). Livi never latched on to that breast very well. In the hospital they gave me a nipple guard to use. They didn't tell me the effect this nipple guard could have. Basically, it is a clear thin cover that covers the nipple and areola. The baby sucks on it and brings the nipple out a bit to help get a better latch. We became dependent on this and used it for the entire nursing session. Around week 3 Jon went back to the hospital to get another one because we couldn't find them in the stores. That was when they told him I really shouldn't have been using it for more than a few days and should only have been using it for the first minute or two to bring the nipple out. With it covering the areola, Livi was never able to stimulate the milk ducts to establish milk production. It is the most important in the first few weeks to stimulate these ducts and establish this production for the following months of nursing. It also took us a while to wean ourselves off the guard because we had never put much energy in to learning how to nurse on that breast without it.

I was under A LOT of stress in the first few months of Livi's birth which can also negatively impact milk production. Jon's Dad had just died a month before, Jon had just been diagnosed with depression a few months before and was still trying to get the right dosage of meds down, and my sister was dating a terrible human being who was manipulating her and taking her away from our very tight family. Hindsight, I had severe baby blues if not postpartum and cried every day. Because I was so busy taking care of my husband and family, I missed some signs of my lacking milk. No one was taking care of me to notice either.

One of my most cherished pictures.

Evie a few days old and eating 

and Livi being comforted with some midnight cuddles after a nightmare.

Livi was a relatively easy baby but I resented parts of my new role. I was never a cuddly person and am not a hugger. I have learned to love hugging and cuddling because of my kids. Although I loved her completely, I yearned for my personal space sometimes and occasionally had to push myself to hold her. I resented her 45 minute breastfeeding sessions. Again, hindsight is 20/20. Evie only eats on one breast for about 5-15 minutes a feed, 7-9 times a day normally. Livi always needed both breasts and took a long time on each. I realize now it was because she was not getting enough milk from me. She was a big baby and gained enough weight, although she was gaining on the low side of average, so no one was concerned. I don't actually know if she was gaining enough by the end because we weren't still seeing the doctor regularly, like at first.

The final straw was Livi's constipation. She would go over a week at a time without having a bowel movement. The longest time without one was either 11 or 14 days (depending which parent you ask). Either way, way too long. I ended up going to a stupid Pediatrician who told me my milk was just really pure and she had no bad stuff to get rid of. Then he told me to give my then 3 month old rice cereal and a bit of formula. My instincts told me no way to the rice cereal that early but we did give her some formula. Once she got a taste for how much easier sucking from a bottle was and how much more satisfied she was, she refused my breasts. I fought for a weeks to keep her on but by 4 months old she was completely weaned. I felt like I failed her somehow.

Love these big eyes!

When I became pregnant with Evie I knew that I NEEDED to do everything I could to make breastfeeding work this time. Partly for my own feeling of accomplishment and partly for the simple reason that we can't afford formula this time! I wanted to enjoy it this time and not fight through it. I wanted to feel it was beautiful. I researched what I could. Talked to my friends about their experiences and learned a lot. I set safe guards in place to allow me to solely focus on breastfeeding my newborn. Either Jon or his mom was home with me to help with the big girls. I took Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek supplements to help establish production. I did NOT use a nipple guard this time. I waited almost a full 6 weeks to give her a soother (she prefers her fingers anyway). I also did not try to hide the fact that I was breastfeeding.

With Livi, I always tried to do the socially acceptable thing and go in to another room or shield my daughters head and my breast from public view, usually awkwardly with a blanket. I don't know any baby who likes their heads being so closely draped with a blanket. I get hot, sweaty and uncomfortable. I hate it. Livi was always frustrated doing the work to eat in that stuffy sauna. She hated it. Evie hates it too. Why bother? Because people might get offended that a breast is being seen? We see them on day time television! I see more breast tissue due to cleavage on women than I would if they were feeding their baby.

It used to be a village who raised and breastfed the babies, anywhere and everywhere. New mothers learned from example and had each other to relieve them if there were problems. There was no formula back then.

I now refuse to shield how my baby eats from the public, for the publics sake. No one else is expected to shield themselves from being seen eating in public. Everyone eats openly in a restaurant, snacks at the park or mall or even at church! I now see it as beautiful and want to share it. I am doing what my body was made to do, feed my baby!

Love it when she smiles up at me. 

I'm not saying we all need to whip out our boobs and let it hang out. I'm saying we need to politely feed our babes however and wherever it is most comfortable. Hiding in a public bathroom stall, sitting in the car, going to the church nursery where you can't hear the sermon is often not more comfortable for mothers or babies. For the sake of future mothers who may struggle with breastfeeding because she has never seen it done or actually talked about it with her friends, I think we need to try and be more open about it. Support each other. Make eye contact with a mother feeding her baby from her breast or a bottle wherever she is. It doesn't need to be private. Normalize it.

I do cherish breastfeeding this time. I enjoy it. It was not a fight. Evie latched on easily and has had no issues. I am blessed in that this time. I love feeding my baby and feeling that connection. It was one of my greatest fears of failing at before Evie was born, but now I feel like it is one of our greatest accomplishments. I'm thankful for friends (especially you Danielle!) who led by example, shared their journeys with me, and pursued through some hellish circumstances in order to breastfeed their babes. It showed me that I had support to tackle this goal and that we could do it! It is a beautiful thing.

Sofie and Evie sharing some Momma time.

LOVE.

Sofie's Surgery

Today Sofie got tubes in her ears. She did so good... until she had to wake up.


Children's Hospital is so great at handling kids. Toys, volunteers, bubbles and cartoons are everywhere. Most of the nurses are wonderful and all the doctors we've seen so far are great too.

We got in right away, even though we were early and Sofie was prepped so she could wait in the toy room.

Despite having not eaten anything since 9pm the night before her behaviour was GREAT. She got a little grumpy around noon but was easily distracted by toys.

Someone kept taking off the sticker with the numbing cream under it so she had to get it wrapped..

She eventually got that off too.

Jon went with her in to the operating room to hold her until she went under. He had to hold her down tight when the IV was going in. Despite being restrained she still tried to pull the IV out with the hand it was going in to while kicking the anesthesiologist. She went to sleep right away though. The surgery went great but she took a long time to wake up.

Once I was allowed to recovery to see her wake up I was much more at ease. Sofie was not happy though. She wasn't awake yet but already complaining. As soon as I saw her I told the nurse she was going to have to strap her arm in order to keep in her IV. Jon had apparently told this to the anesthesiologist too. They didn't listen. Before Sofie opened her eyes she tried to yank out the needle. The nurse hesitated taking it out incase she needed pain meds but by how much Sofie was already flailing and pulling at the IV she realized it wasn't going to stay in. I wish they had listened to us from the beginning because Sofie really could have used some Ativan. She proceeded to cry and flail for the next 2 hours. I don't think she was in a lot of pain. I just think she felt terrible from the anesthetic and being in a hospital with her senses being overwhelmed. We finally just decided to take her home, even though she was still crying. We hoped the familiarity of the car would help. It did, but she still complained a lot. She didn't fully settle until we picked up Livi and got a bit of milk in to her. We weren't supposed to give her milk but or any solid food but she wasn't drinking the suggested clear liquids.

Still crying and headed for home.

She cuddled lots at home and got off to sleep peacefully. Hopefully she is back to her self in the morning. We have a very quiet day planned for her either way. I think we all need it!

A Very Special Day

Yesterday was a very special day. Two things happened. We got to enjoy some of our dear friends for lunch and see Sofie meet Aiden! Both have DS and both were adopted from Bulgaria! Then we had lots of family and friends come over for Evie's Blessing! Such a special day!

I'll start with the Keno's visit since that happened first...

You may have heard me mention them before. They were quite instrumental in Jon's journey to being so passionate for people with special needs. Jon fell in love with their first son who has DS many years ago when he was very young... he is now 18! Jon introduced me to Brent 10 years ago as his little buddy. When Jon was 19, Jon went with the Keno's to help out at a special needs camp where he learned a lot about people with DS and many other different abilities! It was because of their little boy that Jon became open to this new community of differently abled people. If it weren't for them all and the role they have played Jon and I probably would not have gotten married because one of the main things that attracted me to him was how comfortable he was and how normal he treated my sister Maggy. We probably wouldn't have ended up adopting Sofie and he definitely wouldn't have landed his job at CLBC!

Keno girls with Sofie and Brent.

The Keno's have three bio daughters and have adopted five more kids, three of which have DS and one of those boys with DS came from Bulgaria! It was a forwarded email from Mama Keno that turned the ignition key for our own adoption. We had just finished closely following their journey in bringing Aiden home from Bulgaria that October when we started our own journey in January!

The Keno's and Aiden has followed Sofie's adoption and development closely and today the two oldest girls and Brent and Aiden came for lunch. Sofie and Aiden finally met! I'm surprised I didn't cry :) They were both adopted from Bulgaria. I loved listening to Aiden's accent. He was 9 when he came home so it is quite heavy. I have always been aware and thoughtful of speech delays with people with DS but it never crossed my mind about how that would sound with an accent. Awesome by the way :)

Aiden and Sofie!

He played with Livi in the toy room and worked in the "food factory" cooking us pancakes I think. We got a few precious pictures of him with Sofie that I will cherish!

Then it was time for Evie's Blessing. We had about 40 people (I think) come out to be a part of our Blessing ceremony. Instead of an infant Baptism or Dedication we have our five best friends preform a Blessing. One couple does the Blessing on us as parents, one for the newest member and children, and one kind of hosts pastoral-y and does a family blessing. We leave complete creative control to our friends and they have always done an amazing touching job. It is really special to us and we love that we have been able to do this more intimate ceremony with our friends.

The blessing we got as parents was this by Brene Brown...

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

The girls were blessed with books and Evie received a book that we will use as a scrap book of pictures from her birth and today where guests had written their own blessings/words in it for her. The one that Brent and Mary (our blessing friends) gave was ...

May the sun bring you new wnergy by day.
May the moon softly restore you by night.
May the rain wash away your worries.
And the breeze blow new strength in to you being.
And all of the days of your life may you walk 
gently through the world and know its beauty.

Geoff did a little talk on what this blessing meant to us and prayed for Evie and our family. It was all so beautiful :)

 Jon's Grandparents.

 My Grandma

 Auntie Sessa

 Uncle Jeremy first meeting Evie

 Generations

 Auntie Liz

Thank you to everyone who came out and made it such an amazing day. We are truly blessed to have you all in our lives.

Love.