Are People Good or Bad? An Easter Crisis.

I'm having a bit of a parenting crisis. I had my kids come home from sunday school a few weeks ago and tell me they learned Jesus died on for their sins. Now this may not be as upsetting to some people as it has been to me this Easter week.

First, let me explain some of the theology that is leading to this...

At my core, I believe God is LOVE. With that and because of that, I believe the WE are good people but choose to do bad things... NOT that we are bad people who do good things. This goes against what a lot of churches teach. It goes against their total depravity doctrine where because of the Fall of Adam in the garden we are so enslaved by sin we can't choose anything but evil. The Evangelical church, the church I grew up in and have the most experience with, teaches that Jesus came and paid the price for our depravity and countless sins making it possible for us to go to Heaven and be with Him.

In that teaching, who is Jesus paying that price too and why? Evangelicalism usually says that Jesus is standing in the middle between God's punishment, or "justice" for our sin, and us. This model makes God out to be some horrific, blood-thirsty monster, in my opinion. All of humanity has angered Him so much by screwing up and not choosing Him in the garden, that He decided we all must die and forever be separated from our creator, our mother. He essentially has banished His children. I have a really hard time with this theology. I flat out believe it is damaging to all that I hold dear. God isn't very loving in this model, which doesn't add up to other teachings of the Church.

An argument I've heard to support this idea of "justice" from God, the justice that demands satisfaction for our sins, is that we don't understand His justice or that I am misunderstanding things. I think that's a bit of a cop out answer. In the Early Church justice was not about punishment as we, in our Western thinking, understand it now. Justice meant restoration. Judgement is a part of the depraved system we chose, not a characteristic of God. Remember, God is love.

I believe in an atonement theology called Christus Victor where Jesus is victorious over death. He enters in to the system of death, judgement and separation that we have chosen and conquers it for us, so that our relationship with God can be restored. It is an act of love. God is not subject to and did not create the system of death that demands judgement and satisfaction. We are the ones who chose it. God is still just, in a restorative understanding, but is not judgmental in a punishing sense. It is all about restoration. We chose the system of separation, judgement and sin, not God. The issue is not saving us from our sins, but saving us from death and separation from God. Sin is just a by product of that system. Jesus enters and beats death so that we can have our relationship restored with Him.

Jesus shows us that judgement perpetuates the depraved system. He puts an end to that judgement. St. Maximus says "the death of Christ on the cross is a judgement of judgment." It is a pure act of love, in the absolute purest form, from Jesus and God. It is not a payment to an angry God.

I asked my husband for a modern, cultural example that might help this idea make more sense and he gave me Prison Break. I haven't seen the show but my understanding of it is that one brother is sent to prison and put on death row while the other brother gets himself trapped in the same prison so that he can set them both free, from the inside out. In Evangelical theology, the second brother, or Jesus would have taken the consequences for us to satisfying the judge, or God, and sit in prison to be put to death. With Christus Victor theology the second brother enters in to the jail, or system that humanity has chosen, and sets us free, from within our own system.

Obviously, this is a simple explanation. This is a deep and complex idea. But I think it makes more sense. I think the penal substitution idea, that is currently preached from most Evangelical churches, is also deep and complex but people just tend to accept it with out worrying about the repercussions or how it fits in to the other parts of their own theology.

I've been going to an Evangelical church with my children for over a year now, after some years of not attending anywhere. I believe there is so much value in church, in a community of faith and in having a place to develop our spiritual selves. We live in a Christian culture and even without a faith I believe it is valuable to have a certain understanding and knowledge of the Bible stories and Christianity.

Here is where my struggle lies... Livi came home last week with a sunday school paper teaching about how Jesus paid the price for our sins. This Easter Sunday she was again told that we are sinners and Jesus died for our sins. This way of thinking leads us to believe we are bad people, incapable of good. Well, I don't believe we are bad people. I can't. I see so much good in people, in my children. If my kids are raised in a church where they are taught they are bad people from birth and at their core what is that going to do for their mental health?

I've asked a few people this week what they believed about themselves growing up in the church and each one answered that they believed they were terrible people. I grew up with a similar teaching and understanding, but it never really sat well with me. It wasn't until my adult years that I was able to learn for myself, felt safe and confident enough to ask the hard questions and come to a better understanding.

Now, I'm left with wondering how do we deal with these issues for my children. I knew a crossroads like this would eventually come. I just didn't think it would come this early. I thought I had another few years of happy Sunday school, Bible stories before theology started impacting their lives too much. I need to protect my girls from the damaging idea that God hates them for sinning and Jesus had to pay God off. We would never ask anyone to accept a relationship where one person wanted to punish them and a third party had to intervene and take that punishment for us, in order for us to be in relationship with the first person. That's ludicrous!

Where does that leave us on the church front though? 

Do I continue taking them to church and hope to be able to counter all the damaging lessons that come out of it? Do I hope that more good comes from it that bad?

or

Do I stop taking them to church and hope Jon and I do a good enough job in helping them develop their own faith and biblical understandings with out that community?

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there is a church out there that has the community I'm looking for and teaches good, loving, accepting theology. I'm tired of searching. Why should we have to settle? Where do we go from here?

Enough Already!

Since my last post where I took the girls to the clinic we have all seen our family doctor twice, had chest x-ray's for Livi and Evelyn, and taken Livi to the ER twice. The second ER visit was not out of necessity. We only have one clinic in our area that is open minimal hours. It was just as easy to go to the ER a second time as it was to wait in a clinic.

Livi and Evie got diagnosed with bronchitis and Sofie with laryngitis at our first GP appointment. Sofie started improving right away. Livi and Evie didn't. I had requisitions for chest x-rays to look for pneumonia. Getting an x-ray of a baby is barbaric! It was so hard for me to watch Evie in their contraption to keep her still. I took them back to the GP on Thursday for the results. He said they probably had allergies and the chest x-ray confirmed asthma. This diagnosis didn't sit well with me...

Why would Evie and Livi still be throwing such high fevers a few times a day if it where just allergies?
Allergies and asthma didn't explain their lethargy unless there was an oxygen saturation issue.

Friday Evie was a mess. Her eyes were red and swallowed in drippy tears. And the snot... oh the snot. So gross. In the afternoon, she had a short nap then woke up for 15 minutes and fell asleep in my arms again... That NEVER happens.  I was officially concerned but still trying to tell myself it was allergies, even though it was raining and should have improved that day.

Saturday, Livi woke up at 8:30am and was asleep on the couch just after 9. We moved her to our bed where she slept until after 12. She woke up and then fell asleep on the couch again right away. I was freaking out by now. We were coming on week 3 of these unpredictable days. Was it going to be a good day or a bad day? Thoughts of rare diseases and cancers came pouring in to my head. I took her to the ER again.

They did tests. Urine, blood and a swab. The diagnosis? A particularly bad strain of the flu, probably H1N1. It all made sense. Even though it means we can't do anything to help them because it's viral, it is an answer that makes sense. I had H1N1 a few years ago which is probably why I'm not sick now. Sofie has a crazy good immune system from her time in the orphanage and may have even had this strain of flu before too. Jon had the vaccine and Evie had half the vaccine a few months ago but I never took her for the second booster, which may be why she is sick but not as bad as Livi. Livi and Sofie and I did not get the vaccine this year. We will be rethinking that for next year though. Livi has asthma which is known to complicate the flu and especially H1N1.

Evie and Livi are on the mend. Evie is doing much better than Livi still. She still has a runny nose and is sleeping a lot more, two 2.5hr naps yesterday and 12-13 hours at night! But otherwise she is acting much more like herself. Livi is still having bouts of fever, weakness and crying. Her nose is still running and she has a nasty cough, but it is less than a week ago. She woke up yesterday screaming in pain because of an ear ache, which led to another trip to the ER since it was 5 am. They sent me home with a prescription for her but advised to hold off as long as possible since it is probably still just viral. Instead I am pumping her full of Tylenol and Advil.

I don't think they are contagious anymore but I do still fell like my house needs a deep clean. We will get there. It may be slow. This is not how I hoped we would be spending their spring break but thankfully they don't know much different. I bought them Frozen today and they are busy enjoying that with popcorn right now. Hopefully I can take them on a playdate and maybe bowling later this week. We are on the mend!

My Week. Sick Kids.

My kids are sick. They are needy sick. They are gross and snotty and crying sick. They are lay on the couch crying, not eating and not be happy with anything sick. ALL THREE OF THEM. Except that Evelyn won't lay on the couch. She demands to be in my arms... but isn't really happy there. It's been 2 weeks like this!!! I'm going insane! My heart is breaking for them. Actually it seems like it's been three months. The winter from hell with numerous stomach flus, puke, snot and illnesses started in December!

The first week really wasn't bad. Just some runny noses. Nothing to really complain about. Wednesday, I picked Livi up from school with a cough. She and Evie had been coughing previously, but just at night. I decided to drive by the clinic, just to check on the line. Surprisingly, it just opened 15 minutes later. We were third in line. The doctor checked them all out. Sofie had a stuffy nose by this point and the other two had a cough as well. They did surprisingly well in the doctors office. Going anywhere with three is always scary, but a public clinic, with sick people, germs, small spaces and things to get in too is terrifying...

The Doc said they were all still viral, but that Livi had probably picked up a second virus on top of the first. Then the weekend came.

Livi got worse. Sofie got worse. Evie scared us with her wheeze. They are so miserable and it is ripping my heart apart! We thankfully got in to see our family doctor on Monday morning. I love our GP. He is so thorough, covers all the bases and listens too us. He even caringly answered Livi question about why he wears a turban.

Bronchitis and laryngitis for the lot of them. At least they have meds and that hopefully means they will get better... one day. It's been two days of meds now and they are still miserable. Praying they wake up much better tomorrow. Livi wants to go back to school so badly. I want her to get back before spring break too! They have been off for a week already. Then they are off all next week for Spring break! We are all going to be so sick of each other.

They need to get healthy. I need to stay healthy and sane. (My sanity is on the brink.) My house needs to be disinfected, but I can't do it with sick kids around!!!