Sunday, November 15, 2009

Figuring Out Depression

I'm feeling rather depressed right now and I can't quite put my finger on it. I hate feeling like this. I know it happens to everyone every once in a while but I get so emotional when I'm like this that anything can get me crying... and I don't like to cry, especially around others. I know... so many issues :)

It probably isn't one thing at all, but a whole bunch of things just poking at me and I'm obviously not dealing with them properly... or maybe at all :) Some things are out of my control... like the weather. I was too sick to get out and enjoy the sun last week and now the forecast is all rain. I've been cooped up in the house for two weeks because I was so sick and now I can't go out because it is pouring rain and cold. I can't even really get to friends houses this week because Jon will be working and we only have one car. I am pretty proud of the fact that we have managed with one car and no cell phone our entire married life but it sure would be nice every once in a while to have my own wheels and a phone!

My energy level still isn't back to normal after having the flu so badly. Consequently, goals I've had for November are not getting done and my house is quite dirty. I've heard it could take several weeks to get your energy back up after H1N1. I've still been sleeping more than usual and sitting on my butt too much. No energy means no exercise, which just feeds in to depression! Maybe I'll go to the pool with Livi on Monday or Tuesday. Anyone want to take us? I do have access to my Grandpa's car when I need it. They only live a few blocks away and since his surgery a few weeks ago, he hasn't been driving it. I help them out where I can with driving and shopping too. It is really nice to have them living so close. I hope Livi has some good memories of her Great Grandparents. I don't really remember mine at all.

Wow... that was a really random paragraph. Okay, this next one will be more fluid.

I think the two biggest things weighing on me right now are our financial future and Tuesday. Our financial future does not look as grim as it once did. Jon has started a really fabulous job that he is absolutely loving. He comes home tired but beaming with stories to tell me. I love it. I'm so glad that he is finally doing something that he is challenged at but enjoys. Because he is just starting out, still casual and the hours are a little hard to work another job around, this is a rough month in terms of money. I know we always pull through some how... I don't really know how we do it but we do! When I tell people how much we live off of people are always shocked.

Jon and I have also been talking about our future plans and finances play a big role in that. Livi is growing up and we'd like her to be a big sister eventually :) Eventually to us means some time in the later half of 2011. We'd like to start trying to get pregnant again next Christmas. With another child means we'll need a bigger home. If Jon can get a full time position in the next few months, I think a house might just be feasible. It will take some strategic planning but I think we could do it. Ideally, we'd like to buy the home that we settle down and raise our family in. That might take a little extra strategizing. I can dream though :) Let's all hope and pray that Jon gets a permanent full time position very soon though, okay! That would take a lot of this stress away.

Tuesday is probably the thing that has set of my episode the most. I am going to go to a family counseling session and will see my estranged sister for the first time in a over year. I don't know how to prepare myself for this. I am so hurt and angry at what she has put her family through but I know that I have to keep myself in check to make it an environment that she is willing to come back in to. Even the fact that I have to make or do anything for her just adds to my anger and frustration. Part of me figures she is the one who took off and made her choices, she has to live with the consequences. Another part of me knows that she is the one who is lost and messed up and needs grace and pure, loving forgiveness. I want my sister back but it is very hard to over look how she has handled herself and her relationships... especially for a blunt, overly authentic, stubborn Irish Mennonite! I never thought it would come to this. I could really use some extra love sent my way on Tuesday night.

I actually think I feel better now. I needed to get my thoughts out and organized. I love my husband dearly, but he is no help when it comes to emotions and empathy. I tried telling him that I was feeling depressed last night and he says, and I quote, "Well, maybe try taking some vitamin D."

Yes, dear. I'm sure that will fix everything!! Why don't I throw some Valium in to me too and chase it with Scotch!

I know vitamin D can help. I do have some in my multi vitamin and calcium pills, but I don't think it is the answer your wife is looking for at 10 o'clock at night when your wife is cuddled up with you trying to have a conversation about how she is feeling! Why are men such dumb-asses sometimes? But again, I want to re-iterate... I love him dearly :)

2 comments:

Louise and Gary Chapman said...

My blog list didn't let me know you updated:)
Just a couple of things...I think it's very normal to feel depressed when the weather is like this, you've been sick, you've been trapped indoors etc. I think the key is to see and recognize that things will be looking up soon. They will!!
I'm very thankful that you are getting family counselling with your sister. I know there must be a lot of issues there, things that I don't understand, but I believe life is too short to not do something about. Family is too important to not be full of grace and forgiveness. Especially when our kids are involved!
Finally, Jon sounds a lot like Gary. Men eh? I have to remind myself often that it is good that we are different and that is just part of it:)

LeAnna (and David) said...

I'm sending love and prayers your way, belatedly as your updates don't show on my filter for some reason. But I do think of you & Jon quite often.

I will bite my tongue on the vitamin D then, although i swear by it (I suffer from seasonal depression so it's quite useful for me). Anyway, I empathize because feeling depressed sucks and it's really hard to do the stuff you know you should do to make yourself feel better, like exercising and stuff. (And I hate crying too). And I think men often need to be beat with an empathy stick or something. They just don't get it! Counselors say it's because they have a need to fix problems, and probably don't realize that fixing this means letting us vent and just being comforting, instead of actually making the problems go away. I think they need sensitivity training or something.

This is long. Probably because I just finished writing your xmoose card and was thinking about you. So there.