So, I'm still having a bit of a hard time with this pregnancy thing. I had to tell my dentist I was pregnant today because he had to use some freezing. Him and the hygienist proceeded to talk about all the fun shopping I was going to get to do and how expensive the gear was. Meanwhile, I couldn't speak. I wasn't ready to hear all of that and be forced to think about it.
I know I'm supposed to be excited. A big, huge part of me really does feel so blessed. But, I'm a control freak. I don't do well with such a huge upset to "the plan". I'm annoyed that I have to be happy right now. I'm annoyed that I'm not excited yet. I will be happy, but I'm not right now. I'm annoyed. Why can't that be okay?
I know fertility is a hard topic for some people. I have many friends who have struggled and continue to struggle with fertility issues. I can't begin to understand the pain that goes along with wanting to feel a baby growing inside you and not being able to. But there is a flip side. Having an unplanned pregnancy can potentially be just as devastating. I'm not saying this is the case for me. I'm just wanting to put something in to perspective. Whether a pregnant woman chooses to keep, abort or put her baby up for adoption, her life is forever changed. Maybe being infertile is a blessing. An infertile mother may look at adoption as an option that they didn't see before. Adopting a child doesn't make her any less a mother. Maybe this is incredibly arrogant of me but I'm in an annoyed, hormonal, stressed state of mind. So have grace and maybe consider that infertility and an unplanned pregnancy are a little more similar than they first appear.
To add to my emotions relating to this pregnancy, there are a lot of unknowns with this pregnancy. I know the only possibility of getting pregnant last month was March 26th. Day 4 of my cycle. I understand that I didn't conceive that day but best case scenario, I still would have had to ovulate at least ten days early. My midwife was dating me by my last period and seemed fine to leave it at that. Knowing I was further along than that, I went to my doctor to order a dating ultra sound. I was scared that my midwife might let me go 4 weeks over due if it came to that, and I didn't want to be that kind of uncomfortable.
My doctor figures it is much more likely that the period I had was heavy spotting, or even miscarrying a twin, than a real period. It was a weird period, short with lots of spotting before and after. He figures I'm 11 weeks pregnant! How could I be almost done my first trimester and not even know it! I feel stupid. Unaware. I've put my baby in danger. This will be my last pregnancy and I missed a quarte of it!
There are things about being 11 weeks pregnant that makes sense to me and there are things about being 7 weeks pregnant that make sense. I'm confused. I won't get any definite answers for three more weeks when the ultra sound is scheduled. I'm trying to get in to the hospital earlier but I still haven't heard. My first midwife appointment isn't for three and a half weeks. I think I'll feel better about all this once I have some answers and I've connected with the midwife.
Give me another month... I'll get there.
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2 comments:
Katie it's 100% ok to be annoyed. People sugar coat reality all the time and it drives me insane. I HATE it when people ask me "so how much do you love motherhood??". Um HOW loaded is that question!?? My child is three weeks old, I do not love it. I love him, but most days I don't like him, and am just now at almost a month able to say I love being a mother. The worst part is the pressure to present this front of happiness. That's not life though. So, be annoyed. Get it out. Process it. It's reality and reality sucks sometimes. At the end of the day though it WILL be ok. Promise :)
It is totally normal to not be excited. Hell, I planned my pregnancy down to the month and I still feel anxious and terrified tonnes of the time because there is so much in my future that I have absolutely no control over. I don't even know where I'm going to be living (and I mean country, not just house) come October. LIFE is a totally terrifying experience and just when you think you've got everything under control, something can happen to make you realise that you really haven't much control over anything. I know of a girl who made it to 5 months pregnant without realising it because her IUD failed. So you're certainly not stupid, because this kind of thing happens.
But I think when the hormones die down a little you may want to reconsider your thoughts on infertility. An unplanned, or planned, pregnancy will change you life, but there is still an element of choice. Sex does have a procreative function, so that 'risk' is always present when you choose to have it, no matter what method of birth control you use (well, I suppose if you have your uterus removed it puts an end to that, but that's also not control so much as a full-stop). An infertile couple has no choice in the matter, and the various other options (adoption, surrogacy etc) are not always going to work (for example the UK papers have been full of how difficult it is for people to adopt in this country due to the crazy system).
Complain all you want--pregnancy is uncomfortable and try not to feel guilty if you don't enjoy every, or any minute of it. Just use a little prudence when the hormone-haze dies down. Complaining about pregnancy woes is best done to people who can empathise (for the most part newish mothers, in my experience) because most other people say things like "enjoy this time" which is so aggravating when you've spent a week unable to eat and don't have the energy to enjoy anything. Complaining about pregnancy woes to people who cannot have children, or who struggle to have children, is almost always going to be a disaster.
Anyway, you'll definitely get to the good place. And until you're there, make that husband of yours spoil you extra because you could definitely use something to help you clear your head and relax :)
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