Belated One Month

I missed blogging about Sofie's one month, so here it is!

Sofie has been home in Canada for over a month now and out of the orphanage for 6 weeks. I'm celebrating the one month from being in Canada because that is when we really felt like our adoption journey had ended and when we started seeing Sofie begin to develop. It has been such an eventful month. My entire life has completely changed! Some things are much more difficult than I had hoped they would be, but most of it is easier. Things are starting to calm down though. Sofie definitely has her fussy, grumpy days but for the most part we are on a schedule and things are getting a little more predictable.

Sofie has exceeded our expectations. She is now 22lbs, which is over 2 lbs up! Most of that has been in the last two weeks since she has begun to eat "real" adult food. On September 3rd she was still 20.6 lbs and was refusing to eat the baby food for her dinner so I decided to try and see if she'd eat what I was eating. She couldn't get enough and hasn't stopped since! She still doesn't chew probably so we have to be careful about the size but the textures don't seem to bother her too much! She is rather particular though. She will usually only eat off our plate. We've tried to trick her a few times in to eating the baby food I still have, so she has some trust issues :) She thinks if it is in her bowl then we are giving her baby food. Oops. Her development in the food area is amazing. I can still not get over how fast this transition was, especially with how big of an issue it was for her in Bulgaria!

She still has a bit of a hard time getting to sleep but this is slowly getting better. We have her on a strict schedule of up at 8am, nap 1-3pm and bed 8pm. We generally have to wake her up in the morning and at nap but if we let her sleep until she wakes up she will not nap at a decent time or go to sleep really late. She generally takes about an hour to relax enough to get to sleep. During this time we lay beside her crib, reassuring her, singing lullabies and modelling sleep :) The time to get to sleep is lengthened if she has been overstimulated during the day but in recent days we have had her asleep in 45 min! There have even been a few 30 minute down times and one 15 min! One particularly bad day we did give her a few drops of melatonin. It works really well for her. She goes straight to sleep with it. I think I'm okay with using it sporadically for her on rough days. She needs her sleep! Once she is asleep she generally sleeps the night through. There has only been a handful of nights where she has woken up crying. I love being able to teach her that I will always be there and come to her!

Sofie smiles every time we come in to the room. It is priceless. She is smiling and responding to us a lot more now too. It is quite awesome to see. She is a little moody though and can give the most deadly glares. When she is upset, mad, or frustrated, everyone knows it! She hits what ever or who ever is closest to her when she is mad and she can hurt! We are slowly figuring it out though. We remove her a few feet from what ever she is hitting or put her down. She usually yells at us then, but once she signs to us that she will be gentle she can come back up or get close again. Not sure if that is in any of the parenting books but it is working. I don't think she is ready for time outs or anything like that yet. Once she starts using her voice to talk, things should get a lot easier! Not sure if that is coming any time soon though.

She did say Mama though! On September 11 she was starting to cry in the hallway and called for me! Yay! She only says it when she is upset but she is saying it. It is the beginning! She understands a lot of English now, particularly when we are telling her not to do something :) Her thin hair patch is almost gone. It is filling in nicely. She rocks far less. We only see her rocking now when she is listening to music alone or when she is winding down to get to sleep in her crib. This is also a huge advancement. She rocked ALL the time in Bulgaria. She also clicks her jaw way less too!

Livi has been adjusting really well too. I think these last two weeks have really been great for her. She has realized Sofie is here to stay and her classes have started. She is in gymnastics on Wednesday nights and gets to go with one parent and no Sofie. She LOVES gymnastics and has been talking about it all summer. She is in the kindergym class now and doesn't have parent involvement. She is such a big girl! Her dance class has also started which she also really enjoys. We've pushed that these are things only big girls get too do and she takes a lot of pride in that. I think it helps her to have something that only she gets to do.

Livi is a very doting sister, most of the time. She helps out a lot in getting things for me to help with Sofie and  likes playing with Sofie, even if Sofie doesn't usually like Livi in her personal space. They are both learning each other's boundaries though. Livi does get easily frustrated with Sofie but doesn't like it if any one else does, even Jon and I. If we use our "stern" voice, Livi is the first one to remind us that Sofie is just a baby and doesn't understand. Just the other day I was telling Sofie not to touch the TV and she was not listening. Livi could hear I was getting frustrated. She turned too me and put her hand up saying "I can handle it. I can handle it." I wasn't sure if it was a smart parenting move to let her handle it but she was so sure of herself and I thought it was too funny to step in.

Another precious sister moment was last week. Livi had woken up first, like she usually does, gone to look in Sofie's crib. When she came over to our room I asked her what she was doing.
"Just looking at Sofie."
I asked, "What were you thinking?"
Livi said, "Just thinking that Sofie is so beautiful."
My heart melted a little bit.

All in all, this first month has been really great. We are getting a routine figured out. Sofie is attaching really well and Livi is feeling loved and cared for too! Now if Jon and I could only figure out how to have energy to spend some quality time together we'd be set! I can't wait to see how well the next month goes!

A Rough Day

Today was rough. Sofie hasn't napped in three days. I know some people might think that maybe she doesn't need to nap. She is three after all. Many three year old's have given up there naps. As her mother, I truly do not believe this is the case. If we can't figure this out, it may turn out to be the case, but in my gut I feel like she still needs naps. When she misses her naps she is tired, grumpy, hits and pulls hair more, has more melt downs and bigger food issues. She needs a nap. Quiet time isn't cutting it.

I had a melt down today too. Up until these last two days, I'd been doing really well. I think I have still been on the adrenaline of bringing Sofie home. I remember that same adrenaline when I had Livi. I felt like I could do anything. I had Livi on Thursday and I think it was Tuesday that we went out for the day, my house was clean and I wanted to show off my baby! The feeling hasn't been quite so drastic this second time around but it has lasted longer. I'm at week three today of having Sofie home and only now having my first melt down. I think with Livi it was within the first week.

There is such a thing as post-adoption depression, like postpartum depression. I don't think I am there. I think I am just entering the 'blues' stage. Like baby blues. I remember crying almost every day for a few months with Livi. I don't feel like that is going to happen with Sofie. I had a lot of other stuff going on when Livi was born. I am just adjusting, just like everyone else in my family.

Jon was trying to be sweet and supportive but he had had it with the kids today too. I think I handle it better when only one of us is at the end of our rope, but today we both were. He suggested I go out with a friend or my sisters tomorrow but I honestly don't have enough energy to go out. I wouldn't be relaxed. I would just be thinking of all the things at home that I should be doing or cleaning. I know he was trying to help. This is my issue right now. I feel like once I get the house clean again and things more organized then I can handle it all, but the reality is setting in that my house will never be clean! I'm living in a basement suite with a sub-standard kitchen and unless we want to invest some serious money, things will never be as organized as I want them. There will always be splatters of who-knows-what on various perplexing spots around the house and I will continually step on things that are lying in the floor. I know I'm exaggerating things but this is my reality right now. I'm trying to tell myself that this will pass but tonight it doesn't feel like it!

I don't like feeling this way though. I yelled at both my kids today... surprisingly it didn't seem to phase either of them. Livi had been defiant as usual and Sofie was trying to throw poo at me for the second time today. It was not my finest hour. I don't know exactly what needs to change in my thinking to handle this better. Sleep will help. What if Sofie never naps? I'll be alone in December and need to figure it out for myself. Losing control and yelling  in frustration or anger scares me. I can't let myself go down that road. I know where that road leads and I will die before letting my kids experience any part of that. It is in me though. I think that is why it scares me so much. I will be better tomorrow. I know I will. I just need sleep.

Learning

I've been a little behind on my blogging. Taking care of two three year olds is a lot of work! They are giant black holes of energy. It has been so much fun though. They are such an amazing blessing and I'm amazed at how much I am continuing to learn!

Being a parent of two is so different than one. My house is always dirty. Laundry is never ending. I continually find splatters of food in places that they weren't eating. Toys are every where and my floors are never clean, even right after I clean them! The biggest thing I am learning is to let my house go. It doesn't have to be clean at the end of each day. It is okay if there are toys in every room. If the dishes don't get done in the evening, I can catch up with them in the morning. I think I'm dealing with the every day messes okay, but when I've slacked a little and not cleaned the floors or bathroom all week I do get overwhelmed and grumpy about it. I'm learning to let the cleanliness of my house go. 

I'm learning to cope on little sleep again. I'm getting more sleep than if we had brought home an infant, but it still isn't as much sleep as I was getting with only one kid! I want sleep with out feeling like I should be doing something else!

I'm learning what both of my girls need from me and when. Livi needs one on one time where she recognizes that I am choosing to spend time with her and not Sofie during this time. I realize that this has a lot to do with her jealousy issues right now but this is something that I can do for her, when the timing is appropriate and Jon is available to be with Sofie or she is sleeping. Morning cuddles have been something her and Jon have been enjoying and I've been spending some big girl time with her before bed while Jon puts Sofie to bed a little earlier than Livi. Sofie needs me to read her properly and move at her pace. I am getting much better at this but sometimes it takes her following me from room to room for 20 minutes before I realize she wants something. I need to slow down for her. 

All three of us are learning things about Sofie and how to make everyone more comfortable. Jon and I are taking turns getting up early with the kids and feeding them breakfast. We are trying new solutions for Sofie's sleeping issues. Sleep sacks are going to be our saving grace for the winter for her and I actually think Sofie feels a little more secure in them. Our only problem is going to be finding them big enough for her. It may resort to me trying to remember how to sew! Staying asleep is not Sofie's problem, but getting to sleep peacefully can be a little challenging still, particularly at nap times. We are laying with her until she is asleep but this is still not always working well. I think we are going to see if white noise helps her. We just need to figure out something that she can't reach and that doesn't bother Livi to much. My sister suggested Melatonin which I think I'm going to try too :)

Livi is handling Sofie's issues like a pro. Each of them have there daily melt downs but I figure this is fairly neormal too. They have both been through a lot of changes. Sofie can't communicate all her frustrations well yet and Livi is a little too good at communicating sometimes :) 

This is one of the reason's we need sleep sacks for her.

She tosses and turns like you wouldn't believe and there is no hope of keeping a blanket on her.

I was really proud of Livi's "realistic" drawing! She said it was a 

car with a tail!

These first few weeks have been filled with eager visitors wanting to meet Sofie. Sofie has been handling the changes, new people and new language amazingly. She has exceeded our expectations. I had expected to shelter her a lot more than we are. I had expected to have her regress at first. I had expected more tantrums and fear from her. I didn't think I'd want people touching her and picking her up. 

Every once in a while people picking her up does make me stop and wonder if it is too soon, but I remind myself that she is three years old. A three year old wants people to play with her. We are still very diligent in being the ones to comfort her and respond when she is fussing but it is okay that she plays with other people, I think. She may have regressed a little in the food area but she has made leaps and bounds in the past few days. Yesterday she packed away more food than I ever thought she could. Her stomach was hard and protruding! Today she ate "real" rice and pesto salmon! Not pureed! I could cry I am so proud! Plus she ate it off my fork! A big fork that poked her tongue and everything! This is seriously a big milestone people :)

Sofie meeting Opa and DD!

Sofie meeting Uncle Tony!

Auntie Lisa meeting Sofie!

Tonight was also another big milestone. Sofie woke up for the first time, during the night, crying. I got to pick her up and hold her while she settled, whispering that she was safe and Mommy had her. This is something I doubt she has ever experienced. It was such a beautiful moment for me. I was then thinking how different these milestones are from having a birth child. This tiny moment around 10:30 at night holding my crying daughter was as special to me as the first time Livi took her first steps or rolled over. It was magical. 

Life

Life is good... hard, but good. I'm going to talk for a minute about the hard stuff....

Helping Daddy with the recycling.

This adoption is truly a dream come true, but it has brought with it a lot of challenges. Most of the challenges were considered and expected before hand, but it still doesn't make it easy! Jon and I had talked excessively about the possibility of Sofie having certain behavioral issues but we had hoped we'd slide by with out Livi having too many issues. For the most part Livi is doing really well but she is having some jealousy and regression. She usually wants the parent who is taking care of Sofie at the moment. She has been very defiant, overly emotional and tells us she is going to do things that are not allowed. She has showed her regression too. I don't quite understand it and am finding it so frustrating. She has been potty trained for well over a year and in the past two days she has peed her pants 3 times and partially pooped in her pants twice. 

I know Livi is in transition and her whole world has been interrupted and turned around. We didn't bring home a tiny baby who just sits there, sleeps, and eats. We brought home a walking three year old who engages with us, seeks out our attention and has her own little personality. It seems to be very different from my friends experiences. Easier in some ways but harder in others. 

Bed time at night is the worst. Each night Livi is ridiculous. She won't lay down, bangs the wall, lays down the other way, wakes up Sofie so she gets out of bed and get us to come back in the room, and has a million excuses to gets out of bed. It is so beyond frustrating. Bedtime, which used to be a 15 minute routine is now up to an hour and a half. It is so ridiculous.

Tired out from the sun :)

Sofie is doing so much better than we could have hoped for. She is still indiscriminate with who she approaches and plays with but she is coming to us for food and comfort. I don't think I've seen her go to any one else for that recently. Her eating has improved more than I could imagine. She rarely cries during meals now and she has a pretty good appetite! She is still VERY picky about what she eats and prefers sweet things. What kid doesn't, right? She eats 8 month old baby food. The 12 month stuff has chunks which she won't eat. She still hasn't drank much. We tend to get a few sips of chocolate milk, and sometimes milk, in to her each day. Yesterday her Gramma got some juice and water in!!! This is the first time she has drank water since being at the orphanage! Yay Gramma!!!

Clapping with Auntie Maggy!

Sofie  is very quiet but she is definitely discovering her voice. She has started letting people really know when she is mad... usually because we are taking her out of the bathroom. She is starting to say mama more but I'm still not sure she is associating it with us. She is cuddling with us as she goes to sleep, instead of doing her orphan rocking thing that I hate! I love cuddles with my kids and I love that Sofie is choosing to cuddle with us! She is playing with toys too, which is so awesome. She stacks rings, loves playing with necklaces and tea sets. I think she might end up being really girly. She doesn't like barrettes in her hair yet though. She just started kissing us today though! I love it! They are so cute and usually have a little tongue in there but I think that is fairly normal for her developmental level. She can wave goodbye and blow kisses to. That came from the orphanage.

Sofie still grinds her teeth and clicks her jaw but she doesn't do nearly as much as she did in the beginning! The grinding teeth is also a symptom of low muscle tone and control in her jaw, not just a coping mechanism of the orphanage. She rocks way less... I will sometime go all day with out seeing her do it. She must be feeling so much safer and dependent on us to help her cope. She doesn't need that extra coping mechanism! Hooray!

Happy girl :) Signing for food here.

Nap times still suck though. Today, she took nearly two hours to get to sleep at nap time today. But she did finally sleep! The parents of child with DS need to more stubborn than the child! She doesn't generally cry like she used to when going to sleep. She just takes for ever to settle. Surprisingly she goes to sleep much smoother at night. Livi has the issues at night. Sofie's sleep is very unsettled. She is a pretty heavy sleeper but very unsettled. She tosses and turns like you couldn't even imagine. Most days she is ending up on the floor. She usually falls off feet first and doesn't hurt herself, but sometimes it is head first... I think we should probably set up the crib. I feel kind of bad for Sofie because in the orphanage she wasn't allowed to explore her world and never got hurt. In the first few weeks she has been with us she's gotten a few bumps on the head, a scraped knee, and a few good scratches on her arm! I think it is good for her though :)

We took her to see a fabulous pediatrician who looked her over and is making some referrals for us. The appointment will cost us over $200 because we don't have Sofie's citizenship card yet and can't get her Care Card with out it! I hope it comes fast. The pediatrician said she does have a murmur in her heart that we'll check out and wants to get a baseline for a bunch of things but over all she is doing well. Of course she is under weight and he thought what we were doing was fine. Basically get anything we can in to her, no matter what it is. She is 20lbs. That is in the 5th percentile of the DS growth chart and up half a pound since we got her, assuming the scales were both accurate. If I remember right she is 32 inches tall, which puts her under the 25th percentile for height. We also met with the Child Development Center this week. Sofie will get Physiotherapy, Occupational therapy and Speech Therapy! Yay! The CDC was really great too! Sofie is definitely getting a good start!

Riding on Daddy! Way to much fun!

Being goofs.

Bedtime story!

As far as parenting, I think I'm really starting to feel attached and like Sofie's mom. I love her completely, although it is still easier to love her in her easy, happy times. I think that is true with any child though :) It seems to be growing more slowly than with Livi though. I don't quite remember how things progressed with Livi. I remember not feeling it right away like Jon but I don't know exactly when I was fully attached. With Sofie, I think I'm so much more aware of the process and analyzing all my feelings. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

With Livi, I was the main caregiver, I was her food and usually her comfort. I spent 24/7 with her. I didn't have the freedom to go out for more than an hour with out her. I felt like I was the only one who knew what she wanted and needed and when. With Sofie, Jon is home full time until December (yay for government jobs and topping up EI!). I'm not the only one who can feed and comfort Sofie. He is very much in the exact same role as me here. I love this experience, but it is so different. I feel like I should feel guilty if I leave Sofie at home and take Livi grocery shopping, but I don't. I enjoy grocery shopping sometimes and am loving the one on one time with my first daughter. Is this normal? I think it probably is.

Change of Plans

We have a slight change of plans. Jon and I have changed all three of our flights to come home on August 14th. We still have the same departure date, July 29th. Yes, we are still leaving Livi in Canada.

I'm not entirely comfortable with this plan but I don't think I'd be comfortable with anything at this point... unless all three of us could come home early! Everyone keeps telling me that Livi will be fine. Logically, I know she will be, but the thought of her needing me and me not being there kills me. She is safe, with people who love her, people who we trust and she will have tons of fun. People also say she has no concept of time. Mommy and Daddy gone for 16 days instead of 11 isn't going to make any difference too her. We have Skype and will hopefully be able to talk to her almost every day.

The things that swayed our decision from me returning on the 9th with Jon and Sofie coming later was that with the flight we changed it too it won't cost us any additional money, except of course for the hotel but Jon and Sofie would still need to incur those costs anyway. This also keeps us together for the plane ride home which may be stressful alone. Mostly, though, we are considering Sofie's potential attachment issues. We think that it might make it harder for Sofie if we both go to get her then one of us leaves. She has had caregivers leave her her entire life. I don't want her to think I am just another caregiver. I want her to know I am her Mommy.

It is a bit of a weird situation. I need to remind myself that I have two children who need me to do the best thing for each of them, yet I don't have a firm attachment with one of them yet. Don't get me wrong, I love Sofie more than anyone can love a child that they haven't met yet. But I don't have a relationship with her yet. I don't know what she needs from me yet. She doesn't know she needs me yet. I have a relationship with Livi who knows that she needs me. I also know that Sofie needs me more right now, even if she doesn't comprehend it. She needs to know the love of a mother and father. Livi already knows that love and knows that we will return to her. I'm so excited to give that to Sofie too but every other part of me yearns to be with Livi.

I know we are doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it easy. With this plan we are praying and hoping and crossing our fingers that her paper work will be in our hands by August 12th. To accomplish this, Sofie needs to get her passport applied for this week and the offices need to be operating at their best possible speeds. Pray. Please Pray. If it looks look like we are not going to get her paperwork by then, I may opt to come home a bit earlier and Jon will probably be the one to stay. I really hope it doesn't come to this though.

Nesting

I think I am in full nesting mode. I am knocking things off the list left, right and center. I think I have bought all the travel essentials that we need. I've begun deep cleaning the house, four batches of muffins are in the freezer with one batch of cookies, two casseroles are also frozen. I even made a batch of strawberry rhubarb jam! I think it is a little too chunky though. I didn't cut the rhubarb small enough and I didn't really crush the strawberries either. Oh well, my family will eat it!

I also went through Sofie's clothes and packed for her! Since we first got the proposal for Sofie I've been collecting 18 month size clothes, but that was 8 months ago. I'm hoping she's grown a bit but I also have some really cute outfits that I'm hoping to get some use out of! I didn't own any 18 month size clothes from Livi. She completely skipped that size, so a lot of these outfits are new. I've now taken out Livi's 24 month clothes and bought a few special outfits to take. I packed a mixture of both sizes for Sofie.

I still feel like there is so much more to do. I think I need to prioritize though. I'm now fighting a cold and really don't want to get sick. A few things I really want to get done are to cook one more casserole to freeze, steam clean our couches (they are really bad), clean all the windows and window sills, of course pack and spend as much time with my daughter as I can! That is the stuff on the top of the list. Anything else is just a bonus!

Livi is doing pretty good with her parents both in a flutter. She is also an almost three year old and really good at driving Mommy and Daddy nuts! She has begun to learn how to "lie"... I'm not sure she really gets the concept yet but she is understanding that when she tells us she has to go pee (at night), we will let her go to the toilet even if she is supposed to be sleeping. After about 5 times of this in 30 minutes one night, Jon and I had enough. We had tried to explain that telling us she had to go to the bathroom when she didn't was a lie and made us not believe her. It sounds so harsh explaining that to a two year old! We finally got a hold of it though but had to be quite firm. I hate doing that. She hasn't done it since though!

Livi is also night potty training herself, much to our dismay. She takes her naps in just her panties now and wakes up in the middle of the night to go pee. She generally has a dry diaper in the morning. I'm pretty proud but I also am not ready to take the next step and actually take away her diapers completely. I'm worried she is just going to regress when Sofie comes home. If I tell her to just pee in her diaper though, Livi says "ewwww! Mommy, that's gross!"

Livi is so excited for Sofie to come. I love it. When ever she talks about her she says "My Sofie" or "My sister Sofie." It's so cute :) I wonder if she really understands how much her world is about to change. Today when I was picking out what shoes to bring with us to Bulgaria, Livi piped up with "Hey! Those are my shoes!". I told her they were too small for her so they were going to be Sofie's shoes now and she got all quite and a little confused saying "But they're mine." She got over it pretty quick though. She is going to be such a great sister!

Little Girl

After my last post, and yet another frustrating day for me, I thought I should take some time to reflect and share about my baby girl. Livi is such a delight. It is easy being her mom. She is a joy, creative, smart, happy, empathetic, fearless, carefree, confident, etc... I know I'm biased :)

Livi knows how to make me smile and laugh and has learned how to use that to her advantage. She is very dramatic and I confess her over dramatization of things makes me laugh more often then it should. I will pay for that, I'm sure. She has taken up making "faces" which is me saying "pose" and her changing her funny face...

She is so smart. Her understanding of how things work astounds me sometimes. She looked at an analogue clock and read the time correctly! Granted, it happened to be 1 o'clock, her nap time, which I point out frequently. She hasn't shown much interest in writing her name lately but did do it today and her skill has improved. The letters were smaller and more legible.

Livi has become very observant. Interestingly though, she doesn't notice "down syndrome" unless it is someone on TV or in a book. She will point out people with DS on TV are "like Alicia May" (a girl with DS in a book we read her). When we ask if people she knows, like Maggy, some of Mom's clients, or Sofie, is "like Alicia May" she says "no". I kind of love that she doesn't notice it. People are people! She notices every bug, ant and beetle on the ground though, and waits for them to move out of her way when she is on her bike. Cute but annoying when you have somewhere to be! She rode her run-bike all the way to Jon's office! It's about a 15-20min walk if I'm pushing the stroller. It took her 50 min on the bike :) I was so proud of her though! She wanted to do it all by herself and she did! I love her perseverance. We took the car home :)

She is noticing a lot of other things too, like my facial blemishes....
Livi: "What's that on your cheek?"
Me: "A zit. Thanks for noticing."
Livi leans in for a closer look: "It's like.... UP!...On a hill!"

She has become quite obsessed with "boobies" too. She is very aware that she has little boobies and Mommy has "biiiiig boobies". Again... thanks for pointing that out Livi. She has also taken up breast feeding her dolls, animals and even her hand once, despite only having two friends that she has ever seen breast feeding. Maybe she misses it :) She's also become fond of "Daddy's show." As it is playoff season Livi and daddy have been cuddling and watching hockey. When there is a commercial for hockey she gets really excited and wants to watch "Daddy's show" with him. Most games are during her night time routine so she has been drinking some milk and relaxing with Daddy before bed. Precious moments :)

Livi has always been pretty fearless. I'm shocked we haven't been to emergency for stitches or broken bones yet. At Birchwood Dairy, last week, she had know problem joining the big kids on the big slide, climbing up and down the tractors and touching the cows!

The cow licking her... ewww.

She found a pretty little Ladybug to admire too :)

At the end we of course had to have some ice cream! 

Livi is growing up so fast. She has lost the baby look to her "little" body. She is a real little girl now! Have I mentioned her skin?! She doesn't burn, she just gets a beautiful tan and keeps it! I'm so jealous with my pale, freckled skin that burns in 5 min. Between her eye lashes, curly hair and skin this kid is very blessed :)  Her personality is continuing to grow... along with her stubbornness. We knew she'd have an extra dose of that with us as parents! For the most part she is pretty respectful though. As long as she understands why or what is going on, she is fed and rested it is smooth sailing. 

 

Pretty angel.

A few little issues we are facing in our parenting journey is that Livi will hold her stool for her pull-ups at night or nap time. Just these past two weeks or so she has begun having accidents in her pants again too! I'm not really sure how to help her figure this out. She was doing so good and now it seems like she has regressed. 

We are also beginning to see the end of naps. I'm still holding on but she is fighting going to sleep and is fine is she does miss them. I know I shouldn't complain because she generally sleeps 11-12 hours a night but I LOVE nap time! Quiet time doesn't cut it for me. 

Advice?

Siblings

I love the blog that I got this from. Confession of the Chromosomally Enhanced is written by a woman who has a sister with DS and has now adopted a little girl with DS and is pregnant! I love her insights and attitude towards the DS world :) She wrote a post about the whole sibling dynamic, something I have thought a lot about...

Siblings - An In Depth Discussion

Leanne & I in 1980-something (in case the sweater and Swatch didn't give it away)

After I blogged about our day at the Down Syndrome Clinic and my conversation with the doctor who specializes in Down syndrome, I received more emails than I expected asking me to elaborate on what I've learned about the sibling dynamic. I think it's obvious that I would not be sitting here, parenting Josie, with another baby on the way if I didn't have a positive perception of my sibling experience.  I certainly don't claim to be an expert but I can speak from my experience and provide some things to consider:

Lesson #1 - Allow siblings to feel frustrated and validate those feelings
Leanne is 3 1/2 years older than I am and as good as our relationship is, I still have the same fears that my subsequent children won't embrace Josie the way I embraced Leanne. I'm afraid they'll resent me or Josie or some combination of the two. I spoke to the doctor about my concerns and she said a few helpful things. The most important thing she told me is when the typical child complains about the child with Down syndrome and says something like "Josie is annoying," you must validate those feelings and say "Yes, sometimes she can be annoying." The worst thing you can do is to shut it down and say "No she's not; don't talk about your sister like that!". It's important that the child be allowed to express his or her feelings and have an empathetic ear or else resentment can build.

Lesson #2 - Allow each child the freedom to establish his/her own identity 
Another thing we discussed, is allowing the children to have their own identities outside of each other. For example, as I got older, my parents let me go out with my friends and they never expected me to drag Leanne along with me. Leanne was involved in her own social activities and she had her own friends. Nor did they expect me to stay home and take care of her. I was able to go away for college and pursue my own interests. I got married and moved all around the country. Never was I made to feel selfish for doing so or obligated to come back home and help with Leanne. The doctor told me that this is representative of a new generation of parents. The generation before very much expected children to come home and help take care of aging grandparents, special needs siblings, etc...and my parents' generation and beyond didn't want to burden us with that and thus, there was less resentment.

Lesson #3 - Set high expectations for each child to utilize his or her abilities
Growing up, my mom was extremely philanthropic and I spent a good deal of time at Special Olympics events, Meals on Wheels, decorating the church for Christmas, mentoring underprivileged kids who had unfortunate home lives, etc. BUT to each one of these volunteer activities my mom drug me to, Leanne was also expected to come and use her abilities to help. This helped Leanne and I realize that we were very fortunate and that we should use our resources to help others. It helped establish a sense of empathy as well. But the underlying notion was that no concessions were made for Leanne because of her disability. She could volunteer her time and talents just like I could and she was expected to do so.

Lesson #4 - Do not make exceptions for the child with special needs

This lesson can be applied on a smaller scale as well. When my (future) children get older, just because Josie has a disability doesn't mean she shouldn't have to wait her turn when they are playing a game, nor is it ok for her to hit her siblings, etc...all kids should be held to the same standards. Josie can learn to obey the same rules that her siblings can. Now, there will be situations in which I may have to gently explain to my other kids that Josie requires a little more of Mommy's attention right now or that it may take Josie little longer to complete an activity and that we have to be patient with her. My parents certainly did that to me. But because they explained why, and because they tried to be fair in their expectations of both of us, I understood, and I never resented it.  Of course there were moments when I complained that something was "not fair" and I can still hear my Dad's words echoing in my ear "Life's not fair!" So true! 
 

I don't feel sorry for Leanne because she has Down syndrome. I don't feel sorry for Josie because she has Down syndrome. The way I see it, some tasks may prove more challenging for them and it may take them a little longer to learn some things, but pity isn't necessary. Who wants to be pitied? We all have strengths and weaknesses and we all face challenges. We all deserve the opportunity to prove that we can overcome obstacles on our own with a little help if necessary. If standards are kept high, kids will often amaze you by exceeding your expectations; disability or not. 

I don't claim to have all the answers. Parenting anxieties that affect everyone else affect me, too. But there is one thing I can assert without hesitation: Having a sibling with a disability is a blessing.

Easter 2011

Good Friday marked the end of my lent. My family celebrated Easter then because it was the only day our schedules worked together. I was not about to pass up my Easter celebration just because it came two days early.

Lent held successes and failures for me. I doubt that is the right word to explain it but I can't think of anything else right now. I concentrated a lot on the self-denial part. I had given up all meat, except for seafood, and sugary foods. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. I would get cravings every once in a while, more in the later weeks, but it was very manageable. The thing that actually got me through it was thinking of Sofie. She doesn't have proper nutrition, why should I get to eat meat and sweets?

A gross fact that kind of makes me want to stay off meat and sweets is that my body actually had to detox. I had the worst gas and bm's of my life. Since having my first taste of paska (Easter bread) with my family's incredible cream cheese spread earlier today, which are both very sugary, and maybe an once of ham with our dinner, the same symptoms have begun! So wrong! What am I/we putting in to my body? I'm definitely not ready to swear of meat or sugar but it definitely will be making me think more and cut back a lot!

The alms giving part of Lent also had a lot of progress for me. I finished some much needed paperwork for Chosen Children and have officially begun working with the designer to start the website. It will be a long process writing all the content but we are slowly progressing now!

I did not finish my Henri Nowen book. I really wanted to and still intend to in the future, but I did not get past the first chapter. Much to my husband and mother's horror, I am not a reader and do not generally enjoy it very much. I also didn't get very far with the penitence part. I didn't have big hopes for this portion of Lent. I'm not ready to reconcile with the people in my life that come to mind here. Honestly, I'm not sure if reconciliation is an option on either side so I don't know where to go with this part of Lent.

Good Friday was my baking day. I made a double batches of dinner crepe batter, dessert crepe batter and paska, plus a triple batch of cream cheese paska spread... a favorite for everyone :) My side of the family decorated eggs and had a delicious dinner of crepes. Ham, broccoli and cheese crepes for dinner, fruit crepes and whip cream for dessert. Livi had a horrible fever all day, up to 101! She was my little angel though and was healthy by the next morning. Even with a fever she had a fun little Easter basket hunt and her Marmie and Oma gave her some really cute books to read and trace in. Her writing is really taking off!

 Concentrating on getting the color just right. 

 Fun times had by all!

 Putting the stickers on. She was really in to it. 

 The finished products! Marmee's was the most creative. 

She thought out of the box to make her flue face and didn't follow the pattern!

Books from Marmee and Oma :)

 Found her basket! 

By the way, how do you tell a 2 year old about Easter? I haven't really introduced the idea of death to her yet. I like letting my daughter believe in the Easter bunny, tooth fairy and Santa Clause. I think it adds to the wonder and magic of childhood. I don't know how to meld the Easter bunny with Jesus' resurrection though. Basically, I ended up telling her the Easter Bunny brings chocolate because Jesus is alive. I know it doesn't quite cut it. We'll need to figure this out before next year :) When do you tell a kid about death too?

Saturday, Jon and I went to a cousins wedding. Livi went for a sleepover to her Gramma's. She doesn't see her very often and Livi was SO EXCITED to go for a sleepover. We even bought her a little Tinkerbell suitcase of her own. She was outgrowing the diaper bag we had been using. Sunday we picked Livi up and had breakfast at Denny's with Jon's mom. Livi and I then joined my mom at her church. My views on that will be on another post. We got a long nap in the afternoon and even made it out to our own church!

On her way to Gramma's house! 

Is it me or does she look way to grown up here?

Monday my immune system gave in to the flu that Livi fought off. Darn kids and their germs! I had planned to clean and make a yummy supper but I ended up sleeping and lazing about. Some out of town friends stopped in for a few minutes on their way home from a family Easter weekend. It was a nice relief from my self pity.

Anyway, Happy Easter!

Writing and Responsibility

I had a super proud Mommy moment on Friday :) Thursday my "baby" sporadically started writing letter "i's" all over her pages by herself. Then on Friday I sat with her and practiced the rest of the letters in her name. This was the result...

At 2.5 years old my little girl can write her name! That is crazy to me! Where did my baby go?!

The other day I got Livi the Melissa & Doug Responsibility Chart. I know, I know. She is only 2.5! But, she LOVES it! She is SO excited to put her magnet on each goal at the end of the day. Before we do a task, like eating nicely at the table, we review what the rules/goals are. When she completes the task for the day with minimal prompting from us, she get to put her magnet on the board. You should see her face. It is so proud, it looks like she might burst! I love seeing her confidence building. In two days she is  a completely different child at the table which is so nice for Mommy and Daddy!

Sootherless

Could it be true? Am I announcing this too soon? Is our home actually soother free?! Do you remember The Great Soother War of 2010? That was a rough week in our house hold with minimal sleep for everyone.


Wednesday night I got it in my head that maybe it was a good day to get Livi off her soother. Although I had thought that the next time we try to wean her we might try a different approach, I had not planned on trying it on Wednesday. This was a very impulsive decision. Jon and I hadn't even discussed it since he wasn't even home!

I was reading her a book before bed when I saw my opportunity. I palmed her soother and excused myself for a minute. With the scissors in hand I hesitated for a moment... What if it didn't work? I didn't know where any extra's were since we sent most of them up to the "Soother Fairy" in November. What about when we leave for Bulgaria? Would she need her soother because we wouldn't be there? Seeing as Bulgaria will probably be another 3-4 months I went for it and snipped the very tip of the soother. I snuck it back in to her room and read her one last story before bed.

When she reached for her soother it took her a full minute to notice anything had changed. I thought it might have been pointless. Then she stopped sucking, got a funny look on her face and took her soother out. She held it out to inspect then said in one of the saddest, most pathetic voices I've ever heard from her "I can't get it to squeak." I played dumb and so she modeled the squeak for me by pursing her lips... I was able to hold back my giggle.

I explained to her that she must have grown in to a big girl (she has been very excited about growing big lately), so the soother broke because she was too big for it. Is it bad that I lied to my child? She was sad that her soother had "broke" but there were no tears. I didn't take the broken soother away from her but she did NOT want it anymore. We left it on her bookshelf. I cuddled with her for a little extra time, drew on her face and neck, and sang her my lullaby a few extra times. She took about 2 hours to fall asleep but eventually she did it! Each successive night has taken her less time to fall asleep, although it seems to be averaging out now and she needs a lot of encouragement and cuddles from us.

Nap times are a similar story. The first nap, she didn't nap. The second, it took her about an hour to fall asleep. Daddy seems to have the patience and magic touch. I'm on my own tomorrow though, so we'll see what happens.

I felt pretty defeated about the whole thing today and was entertaining going out to buy another soother or even ending her naps! Oh, the horror! She has definitely being on the road to eliminating her naps, (only slept about 1-1.5hrs even with her soother), but I'm not ready to say goodbye yet! I would like to get Livi to the point where she can immediately just relax in bed, fall asleep quietly and quickly and sleep soundly. Surprisingly, since taking the soother away, she has slept each night through. No nightmares or waking up looking for her soother or Fuzzy.

Overall, this time around is going much better. She is not crying. She is not grumpy. She is sleeping soundly through the night. It is just a matter of her figuring out how to put herself to sleep without the soother. I was hoping she would enjoy her Fuzzy more now but it seems that it was a package deal with the soother. We aren't going back on our decision this time. The soother is gone. I just hope it doesn't mean we have to give up her naps or she needs us to sooth her to sleep. Bye Bye beloved soother :)

Lets Keep It Real

This post really hit home for me. It is taken from a blog I occasionally read called Under His Wing (I linked it for you). The family has recently adopted 2 little girls from Bulgaria. I thought it might be interesting for you all to... maybe it will shed some light on the ups and downs that we might be going through once Sofie is home. 

Lets Keep It Real....

Honesty? Bleck... I hate keeping it real on this blog. To many people read it that I probably put up a pretty good front for. Well, actually I guess it is not really a front, it is just a matter of only sharing and showing the good stuff. And the good stuff is real, but so is that hard stuff, and that is what I don't like to share.

But sharing the hard stuff is important. It is important because I have found it is all to easy to feel isolated in the struggles one has with raising kids, let alone raising children adopted from orphanges over seas and those same children with disabilities that make progress even harder, and ever sweeter! [Was that a run on sentence? ;)]

The girls have been home from Bulgaria for 8 months now. Lets start with the GOOD, well the FABULOUS really.

Miss Yana is doing amazingly well! I mean, truly, sincerely, completely, and honestly WELL! She has my heart and I feel like I am almost at 100% of having that genuine "mommy" feeling towards her at all times.



I know we all like to think that in adoption, one that we worked so hard to make happen, and waited so long for, that that "mommy feeling" is immediate and overwhelming and solid. Well, are you sitting down? Because I am here to tell you "that ain't the way it is!".

You see, first it starts with a overwhelmingly tender feeling every time you dream of your little one or look at their picture. Then you meet them, and most times you still have the feeling. Then you have them home and it is one moment at a time... sometimes you love them so much it hurts and sometimes you feel like you are babysitting someone else's kid and truth be told, a really strange and unlikeable kid at that! [And that is just the highly condensed version!] [I will add that this was with the adoption of the 3 that were older. Luke, adopted as an infant, took all of about 5 seconds to win 100% of my heart. That is the blessing of newborn adoption. :)]

Relationships take time. Building good memories to get you through the hard moments and days and weeks takes time. Getting to know someone, knowing them in a way that someone else doesn't takes time. Letting love grow from a choice into a genuine feeling takes time. And to make things harder yet, there is no time line for how much time it takes! 

Now back to miss Yana. I love this little girl!! Her smiles make me smile, her joy fills my heart with joy, her achievments no matter how small make me want to shout and do the Arsenio Hall "Wuh, wuh, wuh" with my fist.

I find it amazing that this little girl, who had NO ONE for 7 1/2 years, who attached to no one, who had no communication besides crying when hungry is following her MAMA ALL OVER THE HOUSE. She wants attention and she wants it now! If mama isn't home, then she will find someone... usually her big sister Quincy who is a sucker like me and picks her up all the time! :)

She is getting so strong. She now will slap our hands to play pat-a-cake and other games. No more wimpy, half hearted attempts. She crawls very quickly and does not seem to tire easily. She is learning to be pulled to a standing position by bending her knees! That is huge! I am trying to teach her to bounce, but she doesn't seem to have the knee muscles yet... She will stand for just a couple of seconds, sometimes as much as 10 if she doesn't realize it :). Her personality is jsut growing by leaps and bounds. She makes eye contact, demands engagement, and knows what she wants. She will crawl to her highcghair when hungry. She will search for a specific toy, even remembering sometimes where she last saw it! She is making many letter sounds, and almost has me convinced she says her name. She did not make any sounds beside hissing and spitting and grunting when she came home except randomly on accident it seemed.

Our little girl who had no personality, no opinion, no autonomy is becoming an assertive, engaging, opinionated ball of joy within the safety and love of HER family! She is alive and loving it!!

She has such a long way to go though. She still only eats from a bottle. She needs to learn to walk. Potty training ... well we don't need to discuss what isn't happening do we? ;) The fact is she is doing great, and while occassionally I still get worn out with all the annoying, and sometimes embarrassing orphange behaviors... She is my daughter in my heart and I find her amazing. It seemed like a long road to this point, but looking back it seems to have flown by.



............................................

Now for the hard. Little Miss Tavi. I will start by saying things are going well. And maybe if I didn't have the twin process of Yana to compare it to I would even say things are going great!? But I can't say that for sure.

The thing is Tavi was "supposed" to be able to bond better. At least according to all the text books and articles I read. She did have a special caregiver. She was favored by orphanage staff, adored by some. She received better nutrition, was in a good group of kids, and got around very well.

But she is not bonding well. Her emotions are not engaged. Oh she shows happiness readily enough. She even cries sometimes. But not really when she should. If she gets "yelled at" or "in time out" or some other thing that conveys displeasure she appears clueless.... sometimes she will draw into herself a little bit, but not much. If she gets hurt she will occassionally cry, or laugh, or hit herself and laugh... but that is the exception not the norm.

She appears to LOVE everyone. She is so exicted to be picked up by someone new. She does not like coming back to me. I know that some people take this as she loves them to pieces, and I like to see Tavi happy, but I do get irritated to and want to say "You know, she really doesn't care about you at all..."

I CRAVE a sincere emotion from my 5 year old daughter. I CRAVE REAL interaction from her. My heart is longing for her to see me as more than the constant care taker who represent sameness, boring routine, been there done that kind of things. I dont' care if it is extreme dislike, I just want it to be genuine.

She is still living in her shell, and I am constantly brain storming and searching for a trigger to let her break free. She is a sensory addict. She craves tactile input. She loves to be thrown in the air, spun around, wrestled with, snuggled up tight, rocked, carried around like she's riding a pony and so on.

She is obsessed with that stuff so much, from absolutely anyone, that I am developing an aversion to interacting with her like that. How's that for real? :(

It is such a hard thing to figure out. I know the rules of no holding or hugs except from immediate family... but when you can not see, and your eyes are your other senses, esp. touch... what is the answer?

Part of me knows I just need to give it more time. I really hate that word! How many times do we have to "give it more time" in the adoption world?!

She is a brave and independent little girl. She will roam around most new places securely figuring out her environment. But then, if you put her on the potty, or in a chair or on the floor in a way that conveys "break time" she will sit frozen and I am guessing for HOURS! The most I have given it is 45 minutes! I just want to scream at her sometimes to "be normal". But again, I know to "give it time."

Now just let me say, my heart loves her dearly, but the fact is choosing to love her happens still more often than being overcome with that "mommy feeling" towards her. I don't like it, but that is the way things are.

And I am confident that time will work things out. I have been praying about the relationship Tavi and I have often lately. I am confident that God is not only listening, but working things out for the good of my family!

I am her mommy. She has me for life. I guess you could say she "had me at hello". She will find herself someday. She will have her whole family behind her every step of the way!

Love is growing, it is just still under construction. The paint is still wet. The Lord just isn't finished yet.

Being confident of the outcome can still leave me quite emotionally spent in the process though. So in an effort to encourage others, in an effort to encourage international adoption, in an effort to communicate real struggles I decided to share a bit of my heart.

But even with all my scattered emotions, Tavi John still does amaze me! 

Brag-fest on Livi!

With all this adoption stuff taking off I've neglected gushing about my 5 year old... I mean 2 year old :) Some one commented on one of my facebook pictures that Livi is quite mature. I know I have a really easy child. I probably don't know how easy I have it but I've never really thought of Livi as mature. People are always surprised when I tell them, or Livi tells them herself, that she is two. I don't really have anything to compare her too so I don't really think of her as exceptionally advanced or mature. She is just normal to me. Smart, yes, but not mature.. big kids can be mature, not my baby :) Aren't all two year olds like her?

When I do stop to think about it and compare her to other kids she is doing really well and I can see how people are surprised that she is only two. She is big for her age... around the 80th percentile for height and weight I think. She talks really well and very clearly. She can carry a pretty good conversation even. She is very interested in having me explain everything to her. The most recent series of questions has been around where babies come from. I did not think I'd be having this conversation this early. She saw a woman in labor on TV and her Auntie Danielle is due any day now with her second baby. She wanted to know how the baby came out of her tummy! I just said the mommy pushes the baby out of her vagina and that seemed to satisfy her.

Livi plays really well too... most of the time. She is still a two year old. She's always been really good at sharing and wants to play with kids, not just beside them. Because she always wants to be close to other kids, holding their hands and interacting with them we have really had to work on using her words and asking before she invades other kids personal space. I'm afraid she is going to get really hurt from a kid swiping at her... it has happened before.


At the beginning of November Livi had her first hair cut! In case you hadn't noticed, she has a lot of hair. The curls were getting beyond crazy so we needed to add some layers and try to tame them.... I don't think they can be tamed though. She did amazing! She was excited to be in the big chair, sat completely still and didn't even need to hold my hand or anything. Some times I get a little sad for how independent she is. It would be nice for her to need me a little bit!

This week she went to the dentist for the first time too! She was beyond awesome! The secretary was all "We'll probably just give her a ride on the chair and maybe take a peak in her mouth." Livi was all "I want the whole experience!" She climbed right up in the chair all by herself, sat back and opened her mouth! She sat perfectly through the hygienist's quick check, teeth brushing, floride, and dentist check! I was so proud!

 

 She loved the spitting machine.

We are starting to get ready for the holidays too. With the first snow fall we did a lot of playing outside and warming up with hot cocoa and began to decorate!

Enjoying the Hot chocolate!

Livi had a play date with Jude and they decorated a gingerbread house. They were really good at not eating all the candy until after the house was all done. She keeps saying "No eating the Gingerbread house until Christmas!"

 

We are still yet to put up the Christmas tree but that is booked for Saturday! I'm quite excited because this is the first year, in memory, that I get to have a real tree! We are going to go cut it down and everything!

Family

*Warning * 

This is a really rambling post that I wrote just to get all my thoughts out of my head... 

I wouldn't read it if I were you. . 

With our family dynamics about to change and things starting to progress relationally with my sister who has been estranged for two years, I've been thinking about family a lot lately. What are families supposed to look like? What do healthy parent-child relationships and sibling relationships look like? How do you raise your children to have good relationships with each other as children and in to their adult lives?

I have no idea! Jon and I were raised in polar opposite households and as many difficulties as my siblings and I have had over the years, Jon and his siblings have just as many issues between them. One up-bringing was not better than the other. We are both screwed up equally... That's probably why we put up with each other so well! We basically just need to relax, do our best and accept that we are going to mess up the kids some how, love them each unconditionally and equally, and hope that we have given them the tools to be healthy people in every way possible. 

I probably have too high of expectations of what relationships should look like and have had those expectations brought down a few notches in recent years. Things are getting better with my sister. I don't talk about it much but a lot of you know that my sister cut her family out of her life about two years ago. We've been going to family counselling for about a year now in hopes of rebuilding that relationship and just recently there has been enough healing to start seeing some progress in that relationship.

A few weeks ago my sister met Livi for the first time since she was two months old. That was a really big step for me. Livi is my world and introducing Liz back in to my world after so much hurt and mistrust was hard. I didn't want to introduce Livi in to the drama that tends to be in my family. It went really well though. Livi was a little confused. She knew she wasn't her Auntie Sessa but couldn't figure out why they looked so much alike. It was a little weird at first but Livi makes things relaxed and she tries to get to know everyone. She is a pretty amazing kid. I relaxed and it was almost like old times. There is still a long way to go in my relationship with my sister and for the whole family to heal but we are moving in the right direction.

My family has had a lot to deal with... Less than some but more than others. I always considered us really close... especially us girls. As we all got older though, our lives started to take us down different paths. We didn't have as much in common as we used to and figuring out those new dynamics was tricky, especially for me who had been in a parental role most of our lives together and has a controlling personality. I'm really close with my mom, some say a little too close. Because of the trials that we have been through together we are slightly co-dependent, but in the best sense of the word :)

With all the garbage that my family has been through we have had no choice but to be an open book. We've always communicated undisguised, with all the dirt and love that goes with it. I've learned to tame my mouth a little in recent years but authenticity and communication are still so important to me in any relationship. I don't know how else to relate to people but by being honest and I don't really even see the point. It is just too fake for me then.

I understand that there is a time and a place for true authenticity but I also don't think we are truly authentic enough. I don't mean that everyone should go and tell everyone the personal parts of your life that is not there business but I do think that family is where you should be free to be truly authentic and communicate openly. I know that as my kids get older there are things that they are going to keep from me and as a parent there are things that I am not going to tell them but I really do appreciate the openness that I was raised with... even though it was birthed out of dysfunction.

I hope to continue that level of authenticity and communication in my little family while still establishing and maintaining the authority and respect that is deserved as a parent. Hmmm... am I setting my expectations up too high again?